Wednesday, October 27, 2004 // 8:01 PM

i dont know why im scared of you, is it just me? the coolness of your composure or the sheer bigness of your person, if not your presence, im scared of you in a way unspeakable, so scared that i start dropping things and quivering, so scared i cant think straight do my work block out your fuckfuckfucks from out of my mind. hello, do you always talk like that? until now i was scared in a bashful way, until now your demeanor silence told me that you had a brain, but even after that much hope is dashed against a rock, i am still, ever so fucking scared of you. it is an alien and most importantly unwelcome sensation, how very glad i am to be out of your line of vision right now.

i dont know if it is something hormonal, or you, asserting before me my inadequacies, the understated superiority and experience in your eyes, or they are just orbs of flesh rolling around in your skull with no actual relevence to the person that you are. you have fuck amazing eyes, i would know, i used to stare into them, remember? that was a long time ago, when you didnt scare me yet because you looked adoringly harmless, well things have changed, i have changed or you have changed, or at least your face has changed. it is hard not to see, that face value first.

you cant be the sort of person i would be appreciative of, because of the way we met, because of the little that ive known of you, because too, ironically enough, of the way you affect me. i remember how i sat on that bus, liking two different people at one time, and then you sprang into my life and made it three. you're not helping me here.

hello, because i dont even know you and i know it, but hello you scare me shitless and im finding it exceedingly hard to deal with. after running away i started thinking about how he says you were scared of me, it makes me think shit is that the same, how freaking ironic, because you scare and intrigue me at the same time, but i think for you, you just think id weird. which im fine with, what im not fine with, is being... this fuck scared of you, this much affected by you. it leads me down a path of obsessing about you, which i dont want please i dont even know you and i dont really want to. i just want to be coherent around you, i just want to be in control.

and gosh. when people say i scare them, is that what they mean? because my silence is benign, or at least not malicious, my silence is just unreadable, not malevolent, what i would like to know is, are you meek or are you menacing?

ha ha ha, the disclaimer says at least to me, i could have just read your mind but i dont know, the key here is just that, i dont know! i dont know! i would like to know! people are always apprehensive of the unknown and yadda yadda, this is more than that, this is more than opening a black box with mysterious contents, this is standing two metres in front of a huge lion, and being unsure of whether its going to purr or bite, whether or not it's even noticed that you're there.

i dont like this, im going to go away now.