Friday, November 26, 2004 // 12:42 PM

i dont know if im reading too weirdly into things. it feels like i am supposed to pretend that nothing ever happened between us, or that it was never really that big a deal and that now that talking is okay again, the normalcy that was my greatest self-inflicted torment is all of a sudden completely obliterated. hello, i cant do that, because i am too fucking intense and too suffocating with things like these, i took you in too far and drowned myself in you once before, that's not something a girl like me is able to ignore. i cant ignore. and the way things happened not only gave me that... Feeling you get when you start realizing that literature mirrors life mirrors literature, it also made me feel distantly wistful, as well as distantly bitter, oh hell i am sick of stupid relationships and the way they screw me up, and even though that is not what you are now that is what you are always going to remind me of, that is how i am always going to feel like when i am talking to you, like Stupid Girl, like Stupid Hormonal Teenager, like i was once a girl with no fucking brain.

(and brain is important to me, very important.)

and. im almost upset that you made this first move all over again, because i wanted to be the one to say my sorrys first, all because you were always the one going sorry sorry sorry it drove me CRAZY, i wanted to say things like sorry for screwing up your time withuot sounding so completely self-obsessed, is there even a way to do that? now every thought makes me feel sick and full of loathing, i dont want to get jaded by you i wanted to... make up with you, get to a point where i cant treat you normally, i wanted you to start as someone dispensible and become someone who's company i enjoy, someone like jaryl maybe with his endless laughter or kevin with all his NerdBoy witticism, i am just ever so sorry i screwed up the You as a Friend by liking you, if there was someone who might turn the tables on that sentiment, it should always have been me, me, me.

and then the inevitable thing about thinking about you is the thought of whether i may have once liked you just because of him, him who was the code i could never crack, the one thing i never seem to be able to tear myself away from completely.

this. screws. me. up. im sick of this train of thought already.