Wednesday, November 17, 2004 // 8:16 PM

narcissist

i want to move far away from all People and live by myself on an island.
im not going to break. i have resolves to keep up, a duty as your lapdog.
i miss. old friends, old old friends. anisha-days, jo-days. i cant stop thinking that i used to be so different, different and exactly the same, different and exactly the same.
i dont want to say anything to you. i dont want to say things, make the endless noise i do, just to fill up an empty space. im not like that, i dont believe in it.
cos im on your side, and i still care.
im not really that much different. im just. locked up, theatrical. i know at least four other people exactly like me, and we are still so fervently pretending. it's easy to do this, easy to sell out. until it comes back to you when you cant sleep at night, until people start buying into your charade, eating it all up. offence, malignant. one of the first things she said to me, it's not so much wanting to be alone, it's choosing this over the less than antisocial inanitites.
i remember once you said, it's not that they're all geniuses, some of that are just plain that. crazy. and i felt an awful sadness, trapped and red-handed, when you said that.
a girl on the bus today said to me: is your name really ella?

everybody wants to rule the world.