Monday, December 13, 2004 // 12:25 AM

i'm going to miss my mp3s. my cds, my television, my family, or my mom at least. i'm going to miss the familiarity, knowing what road leads where, which bus to take to wherever. i'm going to miss my mess and my bed and my cds my cds my cds, i'm going to miss talking to kevin, i already miss talking to kevin. and some others, i guess. the food and the msg, the singlish. even fong doesnt speak singlish.

fong i really hope we're still going to want to talk to each other after we get back. i'm trying really hard to get into the right mind of things, i'm sure the notion of seeing my face for days straight must be overwhelming to you too. i don't know. i'm sad that lizzie isnt going, because i think three of us work much better than any two of us ever would. or maybe, i feel like an extra in this picture, i don't really know what to expect. oh well.

i've been instructed not to sleep tonight, honolulu is eighteen hours behind. i can feel the jet lag already. i don't even know how and where to start packing. i want i want to be at the airport, and to just walk around the airport, in the middle of the night where every window you look out of will be dark. i want to stop at that little place where people stop and sit atop their cars and reach out their hands to the planes flying low overhead. landing or taking off. that's where i want to be, right now, when the plane is approaching or directly above you, you can scream everything into the night and nobody will ever be able to hear what you have said. between you and God, i guess, you and your tears, you and your frustrations. have i ever told you that i'm scared shitless of taking planes? well i am, and i'm afraid of that feeling too, it's the kind of place where you are and you don't want to be, the kind of thing that devours you in your most lucid state, you dont know which is the way out and how to stop yourself from going crazy. i don't know how to stop myself from going crazy, i guess that's why i have actively stopped thinking so much, i don't know how to stay in control. the crazy button, it's pretty close to the surface, with me.

i want to know how you find out if you've been accepted into the humans programme. i'm scared shitless, even though people tell me i'm the most likely contender, me, brandishing my achievements, my glowing testimonial.

and sam makes me feel like working, i dont know when im going to get a chance to work again. like that, i mean, in the kind of job that you dont want to last forever. waitressing. and oh how charmingly mundane it feels, calm sedentary or hectic routine. hello i'd never thought i'd hope for a routine, maybe in this i still dont. i dont want routine. i want... time to think i guess. time to write my letters, time to read, to watch my movies. to catch a movie as i haven't since the incredibles, to laze and wake up at noon, to eat maggi mee and take a long bath. to shop. to see my teamates again, see my juniors. oh how i want to jump on the trampoline again. eat at coro, drink bubble tea. splash around in somebody's pool, anybody's pool. i'm closing my present black notebook after yf camp, so i'm going to hawaii with no replacement, just a tape recorder. hours of ranting ahead. i want the time to do that, but i guess at the same time i'm scared to, too. while drinking my expensive coffee last now i was thinking about how the gift of Expression is a subtle thing, one of those gifts that you never appreciate until it's gone. because when you can't express what it is that's on your mind, you feel...claustrophobic, constipated, in a sense. and i think about how marvin said he likes to mull over stuff a lot, and i'm thinking of how i used to be like that, and how after a while i dont know any more, i remember the feeling of an endless eternity, both in sense of time and space, stretching out in front of you, sometimes the void is full of incomprehensible things and sometimes the void is astoundingly empty. and... that's how i felt, and that's why i started running, that's why i surround myself with the preppiest of details, the happiest-sounding of symbols. i don't believe my personality, personified, is a loud character, but certainly i am. certainly i am. nothing is a question of real or fake anymore, i remember saying to myself, i don't have to be true to myself to everyone else, all the time, but i have to be true to myself to myself, all the time. all the time. and that void, i remember the first time i felt it was filled was when yong was trying to explain some mathematical concept to me, something abstract and something extracurricular, she was saying something about how each line of numbers could be derived from the previous, and could subsequently determine the next, and how the line of numbers could go on forever and ever and ever, i remember seeing the lines and lines and lines of numbers stretching out behind my eyes to a backdrop of starry black eternity, scrolling and scrolling like something out of a star wars movie, and myself, the mind's eye, continually moving back, back, back, always to a larger and infinitely broader perspective, i remember too seeing the face of the mathematician as it was printed out that handout that she made me tack up the back of the classroom, how i put my head down on the table in the middle of her sentence and just felt that vastness of eternity, unable to discern if the void was the space in which i was in or the space that fills my mind, and also being unable to encompass them both, unable to decide which of the two was the more paralysingly terrifying.

so. so i am both afraid of falling, and afraid of hurling myself off the edge, i do that some times, do you know what that feels like? it's like seeing something you could never imagine face to face, for the first ever time, and sometimes you just feel like you'd rather die than have to face an entire lifetime of such experiences. and, and so i run, run motivated bu this terrorr, to stop myself from creeping to the edge and looking over, to stop myself from hurling myself off that cliff and out into a vast and endless spiral, my mind or the place in which i am.

this is the most thinking i should let myself do, because my instability has recently hopped off the shelf and tried to wrestle itself onto me. do you think i'm completely stable yet? what does that encompass, anyway. i remember talking about how i would look down on Stupid People, and then think about how they're just so much happier than i am. marvin conversations. he says a lot of interesting things, i'l admit.

im determined to start packing, at least something, at least for a start. a start of three hours, i wish i could just take a cab to the airport now, or as soon as things have been thrown into my suitcase. my green and black suitcase. here i go, scared to death, and all that jazz. please pray for my attitude.