Sunday, December 12, 2004 // 8:56 AM

it's hard for me to compare the different yf camps, because there is always soemthing so incredubly intense about it, every yf camp has one, or two, or three. this time it was my first time doing qt, wandering off to be by myself during skitnight. what he said to me: so tired that you have to be yourself, what He said to me: everything's going to be alright. elsie came to talk to me that first time i was doing qt, and it reminds me of last year, and looking at the rain, and feeling so completely alive, and sorrowful, and confused.

and i guess i didnt learn so much from the messages, than from people, people like ecashia and general others, the examples of others, things like that. the two startling/important things i learn during this camp: love is an issue of mind, emotion and will; christianity is of principles, not legalistics, and like everything else, a mass of grey amongst the blacks and whites.

my presumption with you lasted a few days, in careful snatches, oh what could i possibly know about this kind of thing? i have been running for years now, my enemy in you is close, and personal, yet foreign, faceless, from another planet.

marvin said something about how photographs are pleading the...something moments to stay. there's a word for happy that evades my right now, not the least beause i am tired, feeling hollow and close to lonely right down to the bones.

leaving for hawaii tomorrow, but follow up from camp includes keeping to my promises, writing letters to people who i have procrastinated away during camp, with floorball and captain's ball and frisbee. i'm tired, tired like crap even after sleeping for more than eighteen hours, have not had time to think or digest or decide.