Wednesday, December 29, 2004 // 10:37 PM

my that was quick,

and i remember one of the last speeches (if you may) you made, to our group, how it feels like to be a workshop group leader. i remember you said something to the effect of you don't want to be like me, something about being a bad role model. i remember i felt so... dumbfounded plagarized, felt so heartedly in agreement, with that statement, but not about you, about myself. because. because i like to disappear in the middle of things too, i zealously guard my time alone, my time to collect myself, my time away. and. and if you hadnt been there to disappear first, maybe i would have been able to stick with a week of it, keep smiling for a week, keep acting-enthu for a week. heck you know i only do it sometimes, only to fill some given role, your behaviour was making me feel my own jealousy, making me forget my responsibility above self.

and the last day when you shook my hand and said, i think the two of us are the worst people who could have been chosen to be workshop group leaders together. because, because i'm used to being the one to say things like that, i'm used to being the one who is irrelevant, jutting out. and things you say, once in a while, in random circumstances. something about not liking to wear the camp shirt because it makes you look like everyone else, you feel the need to be an individual. like i was telling dennis that day, i strive to be outstanding because. i refuse to be homogenized, stuck into a box.

and somehow, ostentatiously enough. i wish id said something real to you that day, when you said i was weird, different lah, there's no good or bad about things right? ostentatiously enough i love it when people acknowledge that im different, when sarabelle said i was unorthodox and one really unique individual, i like that you call me weird. it's. it's different from how kenneth once said i was special, it has nothing to do with a sentiment like that. sometimes i think i chase after controversy, that my being so awful provocative is bundled up in a desire to cause a cheap thrill, make another person feel something.

i tried to think of the person that i used to be, when you knew me, and i realize that i can't hate that person, can't regret anything about myself at all. i think i've said this before, something about how to regret anything i've done in my past is to regret the person that i have now become, which i dont, really, not particularly. it would be fortunate the way a dice throw is fortunate, to have been born a different person, stupid and oblivious, but i dont have much control over something like that, do i.