Sunday, December 26, 2004 // 10:03 PM

you should know, my having been a depressed piece of shit before, that really wasn't your fault. if a person wants to hurt, they're gonna hurt with whatever's handy.

and i have the scars to prove it. i made a promise to him tooday, that i wouldnt speak in riddles any more. not to him, at the very least.

oh how i love your dumbfoundedness, how i love your adoration.

i want good conversations everyday. sad. sad because things dont happen, sad because of the way i feel, because of an entirely different direction. i've changed my mind in that i'm starting to believe that there isn't such a thing as a true loner, anymore, only People Misplaced, surrounded by inappropriate company.

sad because of happiness' mundanity,all the friends i've lost in there. i don't feel the need to explain myself to you, but if you ask me to, i will. my theatrics are for your convenience and my cheap enthrallment, so really it's up to you to formulate any given impression that you want.

and. amanda said. in the humanities programme, you meet a lot of people who are just like us. the notion that she both does and doesn't know me, makes me think about things. because. and if i hadn't been playing an entirely different role at that time, i would have said so, i would have smiled, the way i do, unconsciously, one-sided, a truer kind of appreciation.

im sorry. i'm sorry that i'm prickly, but i'm not sorry for being prickly. it's not something i can help, really, and i don't think being fair has anything to do with it. i think you should stop talking to me. i'm unfriendly and antisocial enough, without needing a good reason to be.

rigmarole bores me. the kind that you enjoy is the kind that just happens, not the kind you set in place. you should understand, i'm the kind of person who needs everything to feel just right. it's poetic, it's a chore, anything else feels forced, second-rate, uncompleted.

and i want to experience that much because i think it will make all my stupid mind problems fade in comparison.

i really do miss my silverchair cd. even if their early work is crap, diorama was completely magnificent, and i miss the experience.