Saturday, January 01, 2005 // 11:26 PM

i know it's nothing so out of the ordinary. dennis says the word hormonal, prozac will make it better. i am reduced at once to. chemical resolutions and black, white, black, white. where has all that broken-ness gone? does running away from it, my absolute fear of it. does that make it go away?

because. because layer of consciousness complicates things, because i dont need good reasons to be un-at-ease. because curl up with it, because there are no words to dispel the feeling or they are stuck backwards in my mind, because of indulgence, because of scars that stay with me because of pretending. because sometimes i wonder, am i pretending to be okay, or am i pretending to be upset? and the pretence and its being with myself, what is real, what is fucking real. because my mind cannot retain information, because i am an emo-ball, because i am an anger ball. because i'm just so sick of this state of mind, because Lord please take it away, Lord there is no end to the things that i will do to myself, how i will hurl myself off into a. yawning nothingness.

today i feel myself. running towards pointlessness, unable to accept sheer chaos. because life is long, the longest thing you will ever know. because there is so much time to be miserable, sometimes, and so many things to be miserable about. the tsunami thing makes me think a lot of things that i dont want to say all over again. because of claustrophobia, because sometimes i think i would rather cry than do this, this choking prosaic silence. because time to myself translates into nothing at all, because i would rather. run around the pingpongtable laughing like we did than sit in silence and screw myself up.