Monday, January 03, 2005 // 1:06 AM

im missing sleep to have put together two shelves, splinters and tetanus pending, all over my bedroom floor. the second one i built with the shelves facing the wrong direction, right to the point where i'm putting it up against the wall and realizing that hey, shit, no books are going to go on that. way to go ella, handyman you aint.

so anyhow i haven't really thought of jc in terms of what happens beyond orientation, nothing in me seems to want to be making promises of dilligence and the best of attitudes. because i've sorely missed the blank spaces of time that i so love this holiday, because i've only watched menial two movies since the last time i stopped studying and that seriously gets to me, because i cannot remember the last time i woke up noon without further feeling the shit i'm so late, i want to do that, frequently, vegetate my mind away. i'm not so afraid of that that i would give it up completely. so now i just want to know when is my next public holiday, what i can let go, of my life.

and jc. because ma asked me two days before the start of school, what do you think of going to australia to study year twelve in april? score one for timing mom. sigh. and in the most freak ironical way, i don't want to leave singapore, i feel like i could actually live here all my life, here in this art-culture desert, and like it. i dont know. because of how glad i was to get back to singapore, because of how safe and how comfortable everything feels, i know these feelings can be quickly annihilated, exchanged, adopted. but but still. i was telling ma that i see jc as the last chance for me to... stabalize my personality, of sorts, and that uprooting me at this particular point in my life is going to have Some Kind Of psychological impact. on me, the person i eventually become. would you believe me if i said to you, i am extremely dependent on my surroundings? delia said that everyone is, kind of, but. maybe not like me. you don't understand, i have such a high opinion of myself so as to be untaintable, so as to be unanswerable for my actions. sarabelle said something today about how her mom got the impression that i'm kinda aussie, from one conversation in the car back from yf camp, and by watching me in camp, what am i doing, exactly, that is so un-Singaporean? i dont know. i dont think me or my siblings have personalities that fit singapore, but maybe all that cocooning has. got to me. i dont know. so im starting to wonder if i would really like australia, can you imagine a whole hoard of people who are just like Me? crap i both want to and am scared to death by the prospect, of being just another tyical Something, i don't exactly know, what i want, anymore.

i read something i wrote about two years ago, and i realized that i really dont know what i want. because i fluctuate between wishing for emotion and wishing for reprieve, half the time i am saying let me feel something to know for sure that i am alive, the other half i am saying Lord please take it away. Lord please take it away. because i think the last brush i had with it, must have traumatised me or scared me half to death, i only know one thing, i don't ever want to feel that way again. i dont. talking to dennis about cutting yesterday, there's something so absolutely mundane about stupidity that leads to sorrow. do you know what i'm saying? because when he said something about how all that Screwed-Up-ness must have gone somewhere, i started to think again, to feel again, things i dont want to admit, things that i've been hoping would have gone away, by now. in a way, i've been wishing for that, and feeding on it too, simultaneously, my history and my stupidbittermessedupbrokenness. he said he can't imagine cutting himself, i know i can't, now, either. i've been thinking about my acid scar, because it's been fading, i'm trying to imagine why the Me of the time, who was Seriously Happy Enough, might do something like that. a lot of people hurt themselves i know. i'm just wondering, really wondering, if there is ever a point in your life where you cross, and you know for certain that you will never go back there again.

and. i've hung around with the church people more in the last month than i have my entire life, i don't know what to say about that. i think that i'm more stable now, that activity keeps me from all the brooding, i'm staying so far away from home these days, because i dont want to be alone, anymore. i still have a problem relating, completely, to them, because of my neurotic wavelength, which. i think i'm starting to lose. because, because i've seen people become Less Interesting, and lately i am thinking, would you rather be Interesting or would you rather be Happy? because the answer is not apparently or even vaguely clear-cut to someone like me. im trying to think of five people who i have talked to before who have completely interested me, does it mean anything if people like these are perpetually buried in the sidelines? because i've separated the ella who thinks, and the ella who is hyper enthu shit. the chasm in between is carved out of something nameless, a place in between fear and determination and weakness and frivolity.

and so. im thinking abuot jc, and the person i could possibly become, because. nobody can impose that on me, because i have absolutely no self-control. hello emo-freak, why are you so easily swayed? because i want to be swayed, because of things that chemically excite me, because of enjoyment because because. because i throw myself into things because i dont feel the need to be intelligent, some times. because i must be very good at appearing popular, because that's all people seem to think i am. and if i hate the people who love me? it's not about being fair, i'm just a malcontender.

so i dont know what jc is going to be like, all i know is that my attitude to it is like one of a game, let's go play-acting let's play charades. because i've given up hope of finding like-minded companions, if you're going to happen, you're going to happen without my knowledge. i hope that i will have people who will, i don't know, chain me down. people like fong like a ball on my leg to stop me from floating off into some starry beyond. because i can be such a freaky airhead, because i can be a fabulous freak of nature, because i'm enjoying not-thinking a lot more than i enjoy the alternative, because maybe i've come to believe that there is no such thing as intelligence, only the way you feel. because being two-faced takes on a whole new meaning with me, nothing about me is real and subsequently, nothing about me is fake. because i really believe that, i really do. i remember myself thinking a lot about What Is Real and i remember the stifling emotions that come with it, when i was arguing with delia and daryl after uncel peter's workshop, when marvin was talking to sharon about Something that i must have blocked out, it's the way he talks i realize, sounding so calm and so logical, who can say if you have any idea what you're talking about or not? at times like that the room is too small for what my mind can see of a situation, at times like that i would run off a building to get away from it.

i. i will pretend so hard, i will fall for my own tricks, i will become someone else. and a few months down the road you give me an honest look in the eye and things will come crashing down. they will, because they have before, because. of things and the way my mind will forget every last detail except how i felt, the last time you looked at me like that. the things i remember, how i felt when michael hit me, how i felt when i carved lei into my arm, how i felt once, sitting on the thirteen balcony with khin, getting slowly drenched. how it felt to be with julian, how it felt like to talk to you. how it felt like saying goodbye to dino, how it felt like to ride my bike in the rain to the mootparliament meeting. how it felt like this one morning a few years ago, when i woke up and burst into tears, because of how horrible it feels to wake up exhausted, and the realization that this is your whole life and that there is no end to. Things. no end to Things. because. eternity scares me more than anything else.

do you remember how i used to say, when i grow up i'll be stable? i'm not so optimistic anymore. sometimes i feel apologetic to all the people who love me or all the people who are nice to me, some times i feel like. i dont give you the credit you deserve. it's not that i don't appreciate things, it's just that. i dont feel the need to talk about them like you do. i can't, i can't blog about how today christl gave me a flower and how today i led zjs and laughed about matthias' awful timing with his guitar, i can't punctuate myself with smiley-faces, exclamation marks. i can't. i can't stop thinking, i can't stop being upset. and i can't stop hoping, really, i can't stop feeling this disappointment. but that's something absoluetly different, and nothing i want to think about. right now.

and. i'm so sorry for being so horrible, but really that's not something i can help either. would you feel slighted if i said your love's not enough? i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry, because you don't deserve this much, because i'm such a bitch sometimes but to tell you something else would be to lie. i can't, because i can lie to you, but i sure as heck can't lie to myself. i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry because i feel sorry for you too, because i'm striving so hard to avoid your situation but now that you've fallen into it it doesnt make you any less human, but sometimes i feel. judgemental: you're too stupid for me to be able to truly be concerned about you. and i am so so so so so sorry. but. but seriously it's the intelligence that keeps me here, it's intelligence that has kept me talking to kevin for three years and not you.

(kevin im not sure if you're going to read this. but yeah. this must be really good for that ego of yours, huh?)

(if i am asking for trouble, i am hoping that ninety percent of the people arent going to bother to read every word i write in here. because i ramble so much that you must be gone, by now, right? incoherence is something else)

but i'm thinking of skipping school tomorrow, i'm thinking of that right now, i'm going to toss a coin to decide whether or not to dye my hair black, back. i've missed having black hair, because it's more interesting, i really mean that.

im asking for trouble in a lot of ways. so i'm just going to go listen to morrissey and fall asleep.