Wednesday, January 12, 2005 // 10:50 PM

im tired, but i know nothing surprises you. any more. im sorely offended by lit class, because i resent being told what to think, and it seems to me like. like i'm the only one who thinks so. there is nothing dogmatic about this that i will accept.

but i liked one thing he said, about the potential of one to misread another, there are great gulfs of knowledge between us. and yet i tell ma that i will know some one interesting when i see them, my saying these things must jinx it, in some way.

but econs is interesting, the claustrophobic kind of interesting, because econs itself is hardly the subject matter, though perhaps the destination, at the end of the day.

i have talked so much about things. tell me how i must be boring myself.

you. i think you must have done something to me, you must have. raised my expectations of people, it's like realizing that People You Can Talk To really do exist. i forget how rare this all is, why it is that i ought take your appearance in my life as a complete unlikelihood. and the you that is immortalized in my mind, you know just how much harm that is going to do me.

i can't believe how i want to join soccer, i think it is at least partly because. im sick of being surrounded by girly-girls, because that's not me, at the end of the day. talking to the resident poseurs of the next class, he says i am a guy trapped in a girl's body, it is not something i believe, but it is nothing that i can be bothered to explain. to you. some times i think, i refuse to do things unless i will be some good at it.

i used to think that my being female was a thing dependent on my looking like a girl, or even toeing to the appropriate social stereotypes. and i think my having decided otherwise must have spurred me, in some way, to take these social stereotypes and run, as hard and as fast as i can, in an alternate direction. i dont see any value judgement in the phrase alternative lifestyle, or at least none that i see the value of appreciating. what i believe, this is option, not any certain given mould.

i remember one thing: complete thicko. because if you're the kind who has to ask, you probably don't deserve to know, any way.

i want to be queer again. you know how i indulge in the difference, if my attention span can not be mindlessly intact.

it's hardly the contemporary thing to do.