Sunday, January 23, 2005 // 10:01 PM

living for weekends, by the time friday rolls around i'm flying on vapours.

i want to do pa, but i will settle for setting up mike-stands, coiling up your wires. i want to be good at this. i want to not think about you, i really mean that i do i do i do. i want to function i want my sleep back. i want to be happy. i want you to be happy, please be happy, please tell me what's wrong with you. please be happy. please cheer up, or please calm down. i want you to be okay, because seeing you like this makes me feel miserable, because you're my number one cheerleader and i dont want you to feel so alone. i want to be a good girl now, it is not just what they say to me it is. a look in their eye that i have never seen before. i dont want to be the... one who makes the things-that-lurk-deep-inside lurch out of you, violently and passionately and completely without control. completely without control. i'm so sorry for what i have been, am being, will still continue to be, for at least a while. now that i know that things are there, i am one step closer to being able to fight it. i want to be able to see you normally, please help me Lord please help me see him normally. them normally. defence. i want to be your friend, i want you to be able to trust me. i want to be trustworthy, i want to be more than just specious, coincidental, more than just. tickle me irritate me poke me aggravate me play with me bruise me colour me. more comfortable with the guys than with the girls.

my sadness, at the end of the day. enter reality and reality's glaring discord, enter rigmarole mind-numbing-boredom things to do. my reluctance, at the end of the day. i dont be away from You.