Thursday, January 20, 2005 // 1:39 AM

so i've been thinking about all that's been said
i wanted so much to be shirking my duty to the group by sinking into a silence that i know you would never have thought characteristic of me. i would have liked to. disrobe of exuberance, i would have liked some silence, some time for me to be me to myself, instead of all that fervent masquerading, instead of endless and enjoyingly pointless but still pointless over-happiness. over-happiness. enthusiasm is not my bag, but i know a lot of people who would laugh at that. the same way i used to say, fucking popularity is not my bag, while dodging all that bullshit from You. you, you, you. just because i am not scared of you, doesnt mean that i am going to be challenging your turf, keep it, for goodness sake. i can't take the things that you do.

and i think. socially, one of my greatest instincts is to go against a status quo, or go against any given expectation of me. while my hair was still red, the discipline teacher said things to me and to her colleagues, to the same effect to what dennis would have said, oh look, a bold nanyang girl. shock and popcorn all around, i think some part of me is dying to make a statement, a statement which i refuse to live up to, really, twenty four hours in a day.

and i disagree with the notion of our meekness. the funniest thing said to me in the last week: you're the kind of girl that my mother warns me about. oh give me five minutes to promise but fervent that i am Not All So Bad, i dont even have the substance enough to convince you, i am an essay written with no quotes and no substantiation. statement after statement after statement.

over-happiness, not really. because, because i missed that much when you were gone, because that much is just so exceedingly difficult, to maintain. i am quitting. i would like to quit. there is too much from which i am dying to withdraw.