Friday, January 28, 2005 // 11:32 PM

you must think, i'm one of those girls who so easily gives myself away. when i say i'm not nice, i include too my tendency to shut you out of the reality of my mind.

i would like to live alone, on an island in the pacific, yes that's right, that was my idea and not his, this nonchalance and this carelessness while you expound on your uniqueness, are you faking it?

i don't dare to say i am over you, or over this, but certainly i am newly lucid and newly sensible. twenty four hours can change a lot. my resolution, for one thing. what doesnt change... my interest in you, you as a person, you as a friend. as an individual mind. there is something seriously frivolous and determinedly irrational about me, i am part ditz at heart is not in action, me and the inability of my mind, to retain information.

nobody has ever called me a bimbo before, but people tell me that in certain moods i come pretty darn close. i can see myself enjoying this, something like... two minutes. before i start to get insulted, before my skin starts to crawl.

weekend, glorious weekend! i cant stop squealing about it, what better way to kick it off than training that extends til late in the night. congratulations because i did a hundred v sits, i can still do two minutes of bei ji, it feels like making up for wednesday's inactivity. the pace of things is leisurely, wang is after all obsessed with peishan and co. i want to watch movies but i cant think of anything good showing, cept vcds rented on my player. im going to hook up a player in my room that isnt going to scratch all of my favourite cds, right in the middle of my favourite songs. i said today, i am ella and i am obsessed with media consumption, i really am. well how else can i say it, to make it understandable to you? there is a breed of people just like me and we are completely indulgent, finding substance in what you might call frivolity.

literature classes get a little inane. i need to find People That Can And Will Think to sit around, to barter my words and sentences. i am no good at ad libbing articulation, i will never be a debater. but my class in itself, seems to be fine.

im in the market for something new to write on my pencil case. the one i brought to camp, radiohead's no alarms and no surprises. im just wondering if i am ever going to bring myself to swipe it off. ella shut up, i only give you my situation.

you will misread me, i will dish out apathy, real or not.