Sunday, February 06, 2005 // 8:55 PM

disillusionment doesnt want to go to school. disillusionment wants to be young and hopeful again, that is not to say, it has ever been anything like that, before. disillusionment's lonely too but sees existance as No Way Else, disillusionment doesnt like how rehearsed things some time sound, they're not, they're not, they're not. disillusionment is tired. disillusionment is drinking dinner out of a glass, disillusionment is going to get yelled at by disillusionment's father, in a few minutes. disillusionment is tired of solving problems for people, disillusionment wants to be unabashedly selfish, for just an hour. disillusionment hates you, disillusionments hates you so much for how you make her feel. bad, that is. disillusionment wants some one to talk to, but disillusionment is not saying that disillusionment's standards go any lower. disillusionment is sorry for your having tread on her breaking-point, but disillusionment can not turn around and say, she is in control of the way she is feeling. disillusionments wants a break from being volatile, changable, self-assured. disillusionment wants to know how she can change the way she is, disillusionment wants to know that situations dont have to chronic. disillusionment wants to sing and play the piano out loud, disillusionment apologizes for hypocriscy, bad behaviour. disillusionment tried to scream last now, into a fast-approaching night, but then disillusionment lingered too long and then it could not be done. it could not be done. disillusionment wants a promise from you, that things will feel different after she wakes up, that some day she will be fuck happy shit and that it is reasonable to hope for this much, or that some day the lights will go out forever and ever and ever amen. exhaustion is my natural state, some times i feel, that reprieve is but cyclically mortal, short-lived, ephemeral. disillusionment says yes fuck yes, i am living to have a good time until the day i die until the day i die. because all that activity is supposed to distract from the fatality of circumstances, the meaningless of everything within it.

disillusionment is also not saying that she wants you to pat her on the arm and fucking fluff her, please go away unless you have something relevant or good music up your sleeve.