Saturday, February 12, 2005 // 1:41 AM

i have gorgeous salmon pants and a new favourite top. because the guys are so good at it, i love watching them play soccer, i think even more than i like playing it, or rather, running blindlessly around the way we do, at soccer trainings. i miss soccer training, and frisbee matches. i have my idea of perfect days, and this was maybe, a fifty percent, enough to put me in a good mood.

these days, i really want to talk to you, i really want to be your friend. now that we have been, adrift on a floe, who else do we have but the ones with whom we've had history to fall back on? it's not just that, i think we are capable of being on the same wavelength, i want to meet a side of you that is coherent and intelligent and intuitive and hopefully, that i can coax into confidence. i am certainly a people-person enough, for some one as antisocial as i can some times be.

i decided something, a semi-long time ago, that i feel the need to remind myself of. i dont have to live up to any one's expectations of me, i dont have to represent any given thing, at any given time. i only have to be true to myself, and if that forfeits sincerity i dont care. im perfunctorily apologetic because i really dont care about people whom i have no regard for. im sorry that that is my starting point, i am trying to be a nicer person where i know a lot of people pride themselves in not bothering. give me time, there is no worse step than holding me accountable. but... i am living my life thusfar in the pursuit of stability and Present Happiness, i really do believe that, i am shirking all responsibility for my actions. if... even if being pretentious or being stupid is going to make me a happy enough person, i think i might do it with small regret, no regret. i refuse to regret past stupidity, though perhaps i clam up at the mention of it, like i did today, with justin, edric. i dont know how to explain the dramatic nature of the change to near-strangers. i just know that it gives me a queer sort of empathy with the stupidest people you know.

i know i need to grit my teeth and get through this weekend, but then it makes me think about how i am going to have to grit my teeth and get through the next week, and grit my teeth to get through the month, the year, the life-time. how long can i be feeling this way? what i said today: all i know is that life and existence is a great swirling of noise and static and that i cannot take it, do not even want to try. nothing so sane as madness or deliberation. because my present lack of enthusiasm reminds me of how dangerously chronic this might be. im not enjoying hc so terribly, i want to be completely unafraid of being left alone. give me time, precious time, after warming up i'm better at this than any one i know. i do know that i can only do this properly because i have real friends now, ones that i know are there, that i didnt have before. i just keep not-thinking about a day when everything is taken a way, after all only the short term is going to interest me now.

you. i had nothing very much to say about you, no giddy lurching of my stomach, no thoughts in my head jamming at the door, dying to get out. all i know is that i smile when i'm sad to be leaving, im thinking about the lack of farewells as i'm fast leaving you behind. all i know is that, i am hearing your voice in every one of those songs, not calling out to me or any one in particular, just living, breathing, in the way that you do, in complete and ordinary character. hey. my wistfulness is made of sorts, placcidly candid snapshots of everyday you, swathed in all your mundanity.