Monday, February 14, 2005 // 10:49 PM

i thought you were healthy, going to be good for me. i would not have put up with it if you had told me at the start, bullshit; i can take anything up with the assurance that i am going to be better off for it.

weicong? weicong. i'm not sure i can say, my honesty is going to help you. there's one more thing to consider, trying my best to get over it quick. vday never struck me as big before, though surely not a non-event, i have decided to give relevant people gifts only on another day. im tired, but that doesnt excuse me from the apologetics, getting flowers and chocolate and a gorgeous sixteen dollar balloon and offering nothing in return. thank you everyone who has been nice to me today, whether or not you have been perfunctory, thank you for things and for telling me to smile, thank you for not pursuing and yet for not leaving me alone, when i needed it the most. thank you zixi for two hugs today. i dont get them often, they're the most precious things to me.

i know i'm stupid. you have a notion of my strength, i would love to believe in it. i would love to not crack and not break down, i would love to be able to take hold of the reins when, all my reasons for unhappiness parade themselves accusingly before my eyes. im sorry because my life is lived in the denial of my own weakness, it explains my flippant brashness and my loudmouthed pride, and also the way it is that i am destroyed, always and only from the inside.

i killed all the flowers i got today, tulip and all, because i prefer this much to watching them execute their own slow and inevitable death. that is not to say, i did not appreciate or love them to bits, i swear i did, while they were so perfectly alive. but nothing makes me sad like watching wilting flowers and endless thoughts of transcience and mortality. im sorry, it's written everywhere i see.

the poem we did in pc today. the sky is not blue, blue is just a term we came up with to describe the sky. things i have thought of before: you retread dangerous ground, disarming me from what i have built to keep my sanity intact. i dont think i could ever be a philosopher, without going completely insane within the first hour. the simplification of my life is deliberate, deliberate, i dont trust my self to be able to handle it.

im used to feeling stupid in classes like math and physics, i remember not being sorry for kuo having to repeat material endlessly laboriously, on my behalf. im not good at rational thinking i am sorry. im starting to see why i might not be very good at econs. but while i can stand sounding stupid, i cant stand not understanding, i cant stand living with my confusion.

i want a break from everything, stop the world i want to get off. with the extent to which i am prone to claustrophobia, i hardly want to stay in the room and hear these voices shrieking in my head, as they relentlessly have been doing, today. it is my own voice, some times, and i entertain the notion of what might happen if i let myself loose, let myself go. i can see how you might be scared, i can see how people like you would talk.