Monday, March 14, 2005 // 10:17 PM

i am going to wear heels on sunday, just to freak sebbie out. hurhur. i have spent seventy bucks on utility today, and so i am extremely happy.

second round of drama auditions is on wednesday, i'm not even sure if i want to get into production any more. i have seen the scripts, i am not the quintessential Girl you are looking for, honestly i would like to play a male role again. please. they're so much more interesting, so much more neurotic. my favourite role to play would be someone psychotic. or i would like to die again, because dying on-stage is fun, my favourite part of the entire dramafeste skit. or i would like to work with lights and sound, or i would like to slack and do nothing at all. it's one of those things that i will love and whine about again, my love-hate relationship with anything spectacular and laborious.

i think. even if i started training really hard right now i won't be able to make it for team this year. i'm not sure if i can say that i'll be bothered by that, the idea of having two whole years to learn my tao is pretty appealing. but i know how pointless you feel when you're left out of competition, i know that there's close to no chance of my being able to pick it up and be serious about it, once this year's competition is over. i'm just too lazy to want to start, again, and how, the work i have cut out for me is extremely depressing. my brani/bryani is a complete laughabout especially from sean, i dont even want to think about my back somer back hollow. neither can i do twenty v sits, neither can i do beiji or jump anywhere near as high as i used to be able to. i used to be able to do all this and so this is a shitty feeling.

i am thinking about whether or not to let my holiday slip away. for a majority of today i slept hour upon hour, waking up every half hour to read stardust for three minutes before going back to sleep again. i dont think i like anything like i like sleep, but i can see how this might just be so, so bad for me.

uh, actually there is a lot i want to get done this holiday. i want to run at least twice, i want to swim, i want to catch at least two good movies. i want to have to finish reading stardust and the league comic, because marvin's going to need them back. i want to get my cap portfolio done, i want to clean up my room. i have a whole list written on my mirror. i would like to shop some more even though i've already gone crazy once today. drag me out of this shop right now xinyi. but this is not the sort of thing you Want to do any less than a million times over and over and over again.

i think about being an Independent Woman. i could ready laugh. i could confuse you, i could capitalize on your assumption that i am a sane, rational person. i used to do that a lot, i used to do things just to provoke a reaction. nowadays i dont know any one any more who might step out of the box for a minute, to give me an interesting reaction. how bored i am, how i am entering a world increasingly grown up, increasingly mind-blowingly mundane. shoot me while i am still young and still intoxicated, thank you, thank you very much.

i really think i am going to be poor and miserable one day. michael you had better get some freaking loaded, because one of us is going to have to support ma and dad.

and kevin is sick, boo. get well soon, get well now! and not in the least because i am bored with no one to really talk to.