Thursday, March 03, 2005 // 12:07 AM

i believe him when he speaks so forthrightly about you. i'm chained perhaps to my impressions of people, but they're the easiest thing about me to break. if, if you really wanted to.

i want to get my hands on soccer boots. i'm happy for all this friendliness, all this lack of activity. a watered-down version of myself. words like clique, words like cool. i wouldn't say that you are full of it.

i am sick of making decisions about you. from now all i'm resolved to let you float in and out of my life, as however you please. let me astound you with my passivity, with my lack of reaction. instead of doing the things i always do; lash out, get angry. get angry. girl you have anger issues, girl you have got to get a grip.

so far andrew has given me the best defence as to receiving ten a1s. help i am not an overacheiver, what am i doing here. i would just like to do the whole bohemian manic idealism schlick, starve me but surround me with breath-taking beauty. melt, i could lose myself, i could throw my life away.

some times i think i am too middle-class for my tastes or for my aspirations. i mean this in... every way you could imagine. it's like how things have gotten into my blood, become somewhat irreversible. and to tear off that part of me would be like to tear off a tendon, a blood vessel, an obscure but vital muscle. this is something that you cannot tuition into success. stupid singaporean brat. might you proclaim that functionality is overated? when you are too lazy, too fundamentally lazy, to be anything else.

do you have enough.. energy. say you have a given store or a given bank of it, say you don't really know if you want to exhaust it or not. exhaust it or not. how do you make a decision, with sketchy ideas of all the potential outcomes in mind? this is no standpoint for resolution.

and just to bring myself to and end i shall go to sleep now.