Tuesday, March 29, 2005 // 1:25 AM

i have a problem with being coherent: i am not good at it, (perhaps subsequently)i do not like it very much. because i just want to go on and on and on and on, perhaps you will catch my meaning in between my lines.

in the past one week i have gone from being prosaic to thinking in terms of poetry and now in writing my reflections i am struggling to get the feel of prose again. what a pain in the ass, to have to think so hard to get your thoughts out on paper, to have to try and be coherent. there used to be some sort of fluency that charmed me to no end.

i believe in that sort of randomness that comes with my doodling, and yet i have been sorely afraid to let that show in my portfolio. i am an immensely haphazard individual. there is a phrase that someone has given me before, i think it is brilliant distractedness. which is the ether centre of my unmarketable self, really. organized thinking is very not me.

i am tired and pushing things but running in the rain and killing myself with training and then staying up til this kind of time. i want sleep, i am popping a lot of pills to try and keep myself functioning.

my grammar has fallen apart, fluency has abandoned me. i think i shall go on a hiatus for a while, because as interesting an experience as cranking out portfolio has been, i am overcome by this feeling of i dont ever want to write another word again for a very long time, thank you very much. in the spirit of blatant honesty, i am tempted to include this in my portfolio. oh yes, that's another thing which i greatly believe in, am trying to acheieve.

golden star for me, for this sudden burst of self-discipline. good night.