Sunday, March 27, 2005 // 12:26 AM

should i decide to go for sunrise tomorrow, does it even matter what i am going to say? having scrapped my entire portfolio on a whim, i am still undecided as to whether that was a mistake. i am not disagreeing, at all, when ding says mediocre, but certainly i am having fun cranking this out.

i realise that it is not entirely true and therefore not true at all that i dont believe in privacy.

i really dont think i am a normal person, because of the certain things over which i go absolutely crazy. i cant go crazy over the music that they rave over, not truly, truly crazy. i am a selective fangirl, but this is a cult of personality. kill me with your lurid lyrics.

i am not saying that i am in any way unique, or something like that. i've stopped believing in that much.

i dont know. if you called me a bitch, im not so sure if i would disagree. somebody asked me today to describe myself and i really couldnt think of a single thing to say. what am i or what do i know about anything at all? i am left astoundingly, astoundingly inarticulate.

i am thinking about what it feels like to be nothing close to wholesome, maybe indulgent, even. i am not a twenty four hour train-wreck any more. in ways i admire the strength of the resolve that allows you to go so adamantly insane. it is resolve, i know, perhaps i have kept in mind a previous version of you, a person whose intelligence has once before astounded me, a person who i still believe you are. does it make a difference, really, all the names that we come up with, for you?

i resent the way in which you strive to shroud the establishment in mystery.

i have decided to take our mutual differences and prop them up between us, with some sort of notion that this will keep me safe from your accidental prying, and myself.