Tuesday, March 08, 2005 // 11:02 PM

small talk comes up with blood, an unwanted aftertaste deep in your mouth. having known of your own participation. small talk on the radio. another reason why i hate debates or talking to people who have incredibly set ideas, is the idea of a forgone conclusion. i cannot agree with the kind of conversation that is any less than an exchange, articulated open-mindedness. model answers are conversation killers only because of a given mindset of mine.

i am starved for your kind of society. your kind of conversation.

i have thought of words for my personal philosophies, there are trains of thoughts set in stone. give me honesty in truckfuls, give me ten-second epiphanies. do you know the feeling? sometimes i wonder if i am all as weird as i think i am, no i think i am just a different kind of sanity. i think of sarabelle calling me unorthodox and marvin calling me weird/different, because while i have felt less and less out of place as of a recent, i am not sure exactly what that indicates of me, as a person. what i think of too: i dont have those long philosophical conversations with people like fong or sam, but i have them in situations with daryl, marvin, dennis, kevin. the person inside me, swimming in my veins, is not necessarily a different one.

i am still thinking about how daryl said that i am confused, about my beliefs and about my philosophy. and how sam indicates the same, about my comfort zone, about any given style or media that i am anxious to consume. anxious to consume. there is a certain wrecklessness to things that i cannot explain away. they persevere, the whole obsession with the here and now. how can i explain it, i cannot make it seem rational, it is not. i am rejecting rationality, intellectualism, popular notion. i think about you and how we are just the same persons at opposite ends of a spectrum.

what i have decided to do about you is to turn my mouth off in your direction. because the notion of only turning the honesty off offends me.

and i realise that dramafeste was probably the most interesting production i'll ever do. i can forsee a lot of officiality coming up.

i am dragging you kicking and screaming into a conversation that you don't want to be part of. shameless, isnt it, the way i force your mind open. it is wrong, i know, to enforce these things on you. i am destroying your blissful ignorance, your simple and mundane happiness. are you going to accuse me of complicating things? you are missing my point, as vehemently as i am missing yours.

this is why i dont ever start conversations. at the end of things at least i can say, you have asked for it by approaching me in the first place. if you really objected to me, you wouldnt be back for more.

i dont have a simple mind, i might as well admit it now. that is not to say, i dont have a simplistic mind. but yes, my head is filled with abstractions, yes i relish the asking of questions that have no answers. i figure, if centuries of humanity has not been able to solve a given issue, what makes you think that i am going to have something new to say? i wont, you wont, but i am asking it anyway. dont give me a model answer, dennis, tell me what you think it is, define it in your own terms. you know how they yell at me, when i start every conversation with us defining what we're arguing about.

i can feel your speechlessness from here. i shouldnt do this to you for my own amusement. cultural reference after cultural reference.

i would rather listen to good stuff from the Bad Music Category, than bad/mediocre stuff from the Good Music Category. my body overides any significant political alignment i am supposed to have towards anything. there is so much irony in that that i am going to stop here now before someone like bailey starts laughing out loud in front of his computer.