Friday, March 04, 2005 // 10:50 PM

something in me refuses, giggles with mirth at your floundering passion. i cant bring myself to go i-told-you-so, i cant bring myself to say, please-dont-misunderstand. whatever it takes, to make space for you. i cant advocate anything but absolutism, i realise how this might not work for you. preference checked and preference noted, dictation rejected; now turn let us turn our radio static in to different directions, just to keep your sanity intact.

got trashed 8-0 by sa today, i dont want to goal-keep any more thanks. the only save i managed to make was when she kicked the ball right at me. of course the game gets more interesting when you're running around. i told bailey today that i dont have enough disappointment in my life, and that bothers me muchly. all of a sudden i feel like it is something i ought to be having to embrace, over and over again. to keep my feet on the ground or my head on straight. neither are so, realise. i tried to think of one instance in my life when i have been thoroughly and truly disappointed and i couldnt, still cant, think of any. there has always been a hefty consolation prize, or i have always gotten my way. little brat. i cant believe this middle-class disease, there is a notion of strength that i cannot live up to. this inability sickens me, i dont want to be like this. i have a lot of scorn for weakness especially in myself, all this excuse-making is not my bag. simultaneously unwilling to screw myself up again by thinking too much, caring at all. but. i know none of this makes me any less suited for tears.

would it be salt to say, i am sorry for the way i said things last now, but i meant every word of it? every word of it. logic must insist that there is a 50-50 possibility of either of us being correct. it is not a matter of playing your cards right, i would like to be able to be that objective. i can only apologize for presentation, sentiment and for tone of voice, because i am affected and i am volatile, the same as half of my reasons for hating debates. but i cant retract the weight of criticism itself, though criticism may be like the necessary evil that is hard to take. bitter pill, that i have failed to sweeten, though i question how much of this is my prerogative. there is a proverb or an idiom or something else to this, that i cannot fully agree to.

two people will read this entry and think i am talking about them, you are not completely off tangent.