Saturday, March 19, 2005 // 11:35 PM

these are the scraps from yesterday's table

i'm not sure how you feel it. i'm not sure if i would. if i would dare. i border on being offensive, i am melodramatic and unfair. i am thinking about my burning point and how it only makes its appearance in my life at times like. this. i dont like the feeling of being up at five am, being unable to fall asleep. i am afraid that you will happen every day.

i want to sit at a piano, bang away. my voice is muted, i am not enough for myself. have i told you of how i cannot scream? my voice, it cracks, i cannot scream. can you imagine that, can you imagine a greater sadness?

i am afraid of claustrophobia. stuck in the slide last now, stacked in between gloria and matthias, i just keep thinking, get me out of here, get me out of here. it takes effort to keep from screaming in a way such as to ruin the game, to keep from going crazy. i could be borderline crazy, i have no control over my mind. where is my mind. my worst nightmare, this, for a million years. every time i am here i find it difficult to imagine the discomfort from your point of view, when it is just slight and has no possibility of spilling over into eternity. i find it difficult to make a joke of it, i find it difficult to brush it away. i will live that moment every day, because i can remember, because i can imagine.

frustrate me! there is something swimming in me that i cannot exhume. i cannot place or get rid of. there is nothing i feel like doing, but everything that i have to. i have to. i want to play frisbee again tomorrow, or something like that, i want to play soccer. i want to just. lie down and do nothing, think nothing, i would like the liberty of that much. it is not just thoughts of going back to school or My Whole Life, it is. things different. people who i am never going to have very much to say to.

i want one haven, one escape. one thing that might save me from my disillusionment with the rest of the world. i do not see and end to the road, i dramatize and i say, People are unwanted company, but the only company there is.

this is a strange feeling, this has been an pointless and endless rant. myself and how i stick out, or rather. the mass of faces and how they are satisfied.

i want to be able to sleep tonight.