Saturday, March 12, 2005 // 9:54 PM

"we have had this conversation before"
i am not discussing anymore, i am fully-fledged and preening. when i wonder if i am a pretentious person, there is no value-judgement in it anymore. i have said this so many times that i dont want to say it anymore, it doesnt mean that things have in any way changed.

if you're bored already i can't say that i'm surprised.

i am a stream of consciousness, i am not even Here Enough to be called a train of thought. thought requires some sort of given stucture, as far as i am concerned. if i could be anything in the world, i would like to give it a try, i would like to be solitude or consciousness, i would like to be your proverbial nirvana. instead i am a ramble-radio, instead i am whiny-ness. i am only saying that i dont want to help the person that i am, i dont want to have to work so hard.

i will not deny that you got to me, at a certain point of time. i will pay a tribute to that time and that me and that you and... a combination of circumstances. but yes yes vehemently i will deny that anything is in my present, i will deny that that part of a past is in any way relevant to the right here right now. congratulate me, i've gotten over intrigue, i have moved on with my life.

i let in two goals playing soccer in church today. i am so, so, so amused with myself, my complete incompetene. this is an injury prone sport, or i am an injury prone player.

i hate how that stupid book has content-wise gotten to me. i still refuse to read dan brown, i refuse to paperback myself. and it maddens me that it has this much a power over me, even power enough only to evoke an interest. crappy writers and their crappy writing. dont talk to me about dan brown.

sam said something that made me think about tone, today, any particular given tone. i am wondering if i could be anything other than rambly. i have liked the whole stream of consciousness thing since well since primary school, that is the kind of person i am, but it has never occured to me to write in a different way. i am only wondering if i could, if i tried. was my seraphine essay rambly, the essay from which my url comes from? because that's the first piece of writing that i have ever done that really scared me, scared me into being afraid to sleep, after it was written. it was a lot more vivid in my mind, it still needs a truckload of work. the idea is what i am still disturbed by, the fact that it came out of me. some day i want to write a book, futuristic musing intrigues me. if there are still ideas to be milked.

scribbled onto an envelope a few weeks back:

panic from the underdog

and i feel a sneaky devil tugging me from both inside and outside, saying we can make you so much happier we are in a better position to negotiate quality of life stability and comfort happiness happiness ultimate utility but won't you join us? in our world dominance, in our respectability, after all you are not so grossly unqualified, what does it matter, your talent your intuition your deep-down inclination, your passion, your ambition, we have paper goodness and prestiege to compensate.