Tuesday, April 26, 2005 // 8:28 PM

and even though i know that some times being straight isnt really the way to get a point across, i dont know. im not a very tactful person, but it is half because i cant bring myself to fully believe in it. i think i give too much credit to your intelligence, as opposed to the emotional side of you (that exists in everybody), which is ironic, considering how convinced i am that i am a mere subject to my own emotions. my answer to matt's question is pretty certain: i am a feeling person. but the knowledge of this much gives me a need to counter it by trying, at least trying, to be rational. i dont know, i find it hard to say anything about you because it means having to say something about myself. and as much as i talk about myself. i brush off past stupidity and past misery because i dont want to start thinking of things again, maybe because i am enjoying a comparitively thoughtless hedonism, maybe because somewhere inside i deeply fear and would like to put off the next relapse, i would like to discredit its apparent inevitability, or more fearsome still, the great ennui that lies at some corner of my future, that does not spell the end of things for me. it would be okay to die in that state, but not to live; certainly not to live.

i believe in open-mindedness, not least of all to criticism or just pure comment. i know friends stay friends by keeping quiet about each other, to each other, at least for some things. i'm not entirely sure if i can function like that.