Sunday, April 03, 2005 // 11:37 PM

hello. today i asked jasmine, how has your brother been? it has been a while and it has been a certain version of you in my mind. and how surprised she looks that i am inquiring, what shock she renders when i say i that i remember him because i used to like him. how are you, are you still the sad version of yourself that i remember?

(you, did you know that you were the first? you, who i knew nothing of, you who have been the knife convenient and close at hand, that i have taken and that i have plunged deep into my self. this is the product of something growing out of that wound, this is the scar that has been trying to heal, this is the outcome of some sort of security that comes from having gone the full circle of idiotic and destructive things and come back to being something closer to normal. i needed some sort of basis for my breaking down, i needed a bonfire around which to do my crazy dance. all the while i dont know, drinking chicken blood. i needed something else to rationalise my insanity, i needed to be able to say, i was love-sick, i was torrid. i needed to blame it on something other than myself and that was all you are. all you are. a product of hormones and my own escapism. you know, i hesistate to say your name because there have been so many after you, yours is a name that i latched on to, after you were gone, i substituted you with a million other namesakes. it's interesting, really, how much of you i have blocked out, the way i have blocked out the mysterious girl from my past that sebbie insists i used to hang around with in awana.)

how. crazy. i have been. you make a funny story, an embarassing story, about myself, now that i am more or less out of the woods. i think about what that means, being out of the woods. do i pass a point in my life where i am certain, i will never go back? if this conviction can be put down to a capricious spur of the moment, it is still, valid for all that it is.

i talked to daniel today, it has been a long long time since i have physically gone out of my way to talk to someone. i like it when people are honest, when i dont have to try hard at conversation.

i am drawn to insecurity, it is almost as if, i assume that everyone with whom i can truly connect with must be insecure in some sort of way. i dont believe daniel when he says that he is secure, even less do i believe that he believes that i am not. i think. i have a thing for people who have some sort of pretence, some sort of arrogance, some sort of stupidity. my dear i know exactly what it feels like, stupidity has been my close and personal friend.

past stupidity makes me a much more interesting person. michelle. dont you think it is strange that we can get along? we're just so polarised different people, really, the way we think. i do wonder how this came about.

and. sometimes i dont know, i think about you and that fuzzy brown time of my life. certainly i am miles more secure than i used to be, but. i dont know. would it sound like a curse, or would it sound pretentious, to say: i dont think i will ever grow out of sadness? oh i am not miserable, i am not a mess, anymore (or at least i am mostly on the side of some sort of good feeling), but. sadness of the self-destructive kind has sat back inside of me, it has gone to sleep but it is nothing close to dead, and i rest upon its massive back and i have built up the city and the entire empire, that is the person i am.

i've started drinking milk again, and i have missed it so incredibly, it has been so familiar and so much of a comfort food. i think. i gave it up in the spirit with which girls hack off their hair after breaking up with a long time boyfriend. i dont know, emotional politics. it has been a few months, i think, a few months that maybe i have required, to get over myself.

i remember how jeremy once defended me, when theodore or someone else retarded like that was teasing me about my tomboyishness. i remember it vividly and i remember being touched, i remember feeling so happy because it was just a small thing, but i'm ... im really not used to that. is that what friends do, for each other? im a retard with relationships and so this is new to me.

today i said (again) that i have decided not to think too much and marvin gave me a cynical laugh. conversations have this tendency to go a certain way with you, i have a theory that it is because you see things in that way which other people dont.

moses is silly. today has been the best kind of weather. i kicked mud at nicole but i was nice to her later to make up for the trauma. hurhur. bimbo culture 101, i feel the need to show you what you are missing.

and sam is a darling and i just want to put my arms around the world. i have artificial days but today wasn't one of them.