Friday, April 01, 2005 // 11:22 PM

i am inefficient, sorely sleep deprived. this is the second time in a week that i have been around to see what six-am feels like. dinner was half a carton of chocolate ice cream, and all this blanketing listlessness, sprawled out on my carpet reading World History For Dummies. previously i have been certain that my eyes would like nothing better than to glue themselves shut, but there is too much Admin to see to, oc on tape and one seriously shitty history essay behind me. i have learnt that four days to prep something for miles is nowhere near enough.

i am certainly worrying about over-commitment. if hssrp can be taken as simply as that, with me writing what she would call an Intellectual Consideration and doing just a little ground research on the side, this will be easy because this is a paper that i could write in my head, write in my sleep. i dont think of these thougts as intellectual, per se, and i really cant bring myself to... associate myself with that notion, it seems to require too much effort on my part. even though i probably am that sort of person, even despite what people say of me, what was said today. i am encouraged as to being able to study or pseudo study something that im really going to be interested in. and while i am not good at articulating thoughts like that, certainly i have a lot of them, or could come up with a few more, given time and consideration. she says that eventually i will come to a sort of answer even though now i am so utterly convinced that answers to these kind of questions do not exist. but i am obsessed with some sort of need for a tangible, consequential sort of answer, i have been brain-washed by the society and the system of education.

i am drooling all over the nus library. all the media in the world and this little time to consume. give me my library card now, thanks. there's a whole shelf on feminism and another solely devoted to media, that i am dying to attack, never mind that they have nothing to do with my research topic.

i refuse to expound any more time, any more brain space on you. it has been too much, already, trying to convince myself against my contempt, making up all these excuses for you in my mind. please go away, take your inflamed susceptibility with you.

the only issue is time.