Wednesday, April 06, 2005 // 10:18 PM

killing radiohead

i've killed myself with context and so now i cannot tell, what works, what does not. i really like the excuse to do this thing, the whole radiohead thing. conceptualise, or c o n c e p t u a l i s e . when my homework is this and yours is bio tutorials, it seems like the best time of my life.

i dont think ive trained so hard since competition last year. but you know, things like that i say, it doesnt mean it's all so very hard, it just means. i am training again, doing more than ten flips halfwitted into the tumble track. the way he talks it's as if my brani/briyani/qianzhiyibaiba is anything worth legitimate. im not sure if i believe that, but i am back to doing houkongs and with a houzhi somewhere in the distant future. i am freaked, i am stolid. bobo asked me today if i wanted to go for competition this year and i am. i dont know. i dont know i dont know i dont know. non-committal is not enough for this feeling, right now. the having felt like my training is not so pointless has been a boost, i dont want to lose this. i want something to matter to me again, please, please can this matter to me again? i dont even know if i can make it for competition team, even though xinyi says my height is haha twice of theirs, what freaking shit does it make when i cant do a single flip on the trampoline? i cant even jump as high as i used to and that kills me to a point where i hardly want to try, any more. i dont think i will ever be able to truly get the feeling back, and believe in it, and that kills me, it killsmekillsmekillsme.

because i a tired, because nus is huge and i bought more expensive coffee in the afternoon rain to make up for the rest of a dumb day. because i am actually interested in hssrp right now, and because my mentor gave me four whole books on linguistics for resource bases, and there is a library chock full of more that i am to. source out on my own. but because. because i havent started thinking about upcoming history tests, economics tests, shittingmathhomework. but that doesnt make it all go away. i would like to make it all go away.

today i tried to talk honestly to michelle chew. today i talked honestly with michelle chew. what. a strange. experience, being objective, or something close to it. does this feel hypocritical, no this does not feel hypocritical. this is called credit where credit is due, my insistence that small talk is. not good enough. as long as you're human and you'll talk to me, i'll probably talk to you.

and i can respect your getting angry, but i cant the fuckfuckfucks with the smile on your face. that smile on your face tells me that part of you is preening. i am sorry until that certain point, i am the sinner detached from the sin, reeling around and spitting in your face. my apologies do not come on bended knee.

(but i am sorry, all the same, which you will never ever believe because you think it has to be a full package.)

hello dear friend, i've stopped caring what is said to you. or at least, i think i've stopped caring what is said to you. i dont dare for certainties when i am with you, there is too much of me that you affect, i dont know why i really dont know why. some times i feel like there could be more, so, so much more. other times i have a life and i have people who love me, and i can forfeit this wavelength, this some kind of understanding, this looking in straight your eye without feeling all unreal. i dont know if i am real with you, i dont know what i could have said, then. remember then? i do, or i think about it every day. because real-ness is something else with me, im the onion girl they used to call me, and none of my layers are any less legitimate, this is all flesh and this is all real. but in your presence i feel like there is something else, a realer than real, a basic being broken down. i am not broken down. if i have felt the need to match up, compare, before, it is something that is gone, gone, gone. (once again i am reminded how dangerous it is to say things about myself, with you. you affect me and i wont deny that much) but but i dont know. it is hard to talk to you when we are being different people, when we are suffused in our everyday context. im trying to merge that side of me with the everyday, so that i can be honest to everyone i meet. i cant promise that much yet, only that. heck i am trying, heck it is a stretch. and i am jaded, but not jaded enough to give this up.

and i really liked eternal sunshine, save a dumb vcd that killed all the climax. kaufman, michael gondry hurhurhur. i have discovered a few more people who go hurhurhur, let's not get the whole idea that we are special, or something, that something sets us apart. there are too many people in this world to hope for originality. if we are going to be the anti-culture, let us at least be so with the knowledge of our predictability, let us at least acknowledge that we share in the contempt that we have for the mainstream.

yesterday yongming said thats so cool and it made me want to diediedietakemywordsbackandswallowthemup. back into my belly, where things are dark and acrid, where there are layers of skinbonescalyshimmering meant to protect them from the outside world's prodding. so not my point, so not something i want to. publicise. please dont blame me for wanting to leave the past behind.

i think i may be a nihilist, but. i really do believe in dadaism. today josiah said the word elitist. i liked that, i dont have to believe it altogether.