Monday, April 25, 2005 // 8:47 PM

monica called me an autistic kid today, hurhurhur. i know i promised to be Very Hardworking from aboutaweekago on, but things have just not been happening.

i want coffee, i want a bailey's latte. i think i should stop coming straight home after school because i do nothing absolutely nothing but eat and sleep. this never used to be a problem, but. i think i'm starting to see something. i'm learning something about myself and my unhealthy habits and i have you to thank for it. i don't know, it's a lot easier to be rational-objective when you're looking at somebody else.

looking at you has made me think a lot about myself, or rather, even more so (because i would be self-obsessed with or without you anyway). i wonder if anyone ever calls you angsty, because that's pretty much what is used on me. are you sad, are you holding yourself? i'm allowed to because i'm a girl, this is all about social stereotypes. but. i dont know. i can't be thoroughly convinced that you are pity-worthy, perhaps it is selfishness principle in me that refuses to concede that you are sad, or it is a hardness that i have come to respect, pitying you would be the same as pitying myself. i refuse to do that, or at least, i refuse to admit to as much, because i cant bring myself to believe in softness. but i can think of a word that i would give to you and it is judgemental. i am judgemental, too, fundamentally so, but at least i am trying to beat it down with a stick. because something screams out inside of me that logic must insist a 50-50 chance of being either right or wrong, and the necessity of that thinking is that my consciousness is limited. i dont know, do you really believe yourself? this is why i have come to realise that you are too much hard work, and i could never be completely and unabashedly myself around you, the way i am around say kevin. it would be too embarassing simply because i believe in naivete and you dont.

(oh, whoops, that was believing in something. but unlike you i dont believe that my beliefs have to stand for anything, they are as meaningless as everything else in this stupid, stupid world. but then. this is what i mean by Christianity clashing headon with a lot of my personal beliefs. if i had to sum up myself in a word, it would be sloth.)

i'm sorry if it seems... i dont know. it's really difficult for me to make real friends because i demand a lot of honesty, while simultaneously being. very very messed up. sometimes i can truthfully say that i dont want a lot of friends, or rather, that i am okay the way i am. i can either be completely straight or completely artificial, and sometimes there is paradox in between. there are a lot of fictional characters that i would compare myself to, but. hardly any more.

my parents have only been gone for two days but i am starting to realise how unhealthy having no family is. i dont know why but i feel like i should stick around tonight, instead of going over to fong's to sleep, just so that my bro doesnt get all lonely and all, not that he talks to me so very much, but it's just the knowledge that there is other life throbbing somewhere in the house that makes you feel somewhat less dead. it was very depressing to wake up at eight to a completely silent and pitch-black house.

but i shall go over to fong's anyway. because i hate having to take a bus to school in the morning, i would rather wake up at some insane time and get to school when the sun hasn't even risen. i'm doling out pain in neat portions.

i want to shop but i am oh-so-broke, and i owe people presents.

im determined to watch a good movie some time soon.