Saturday, April 16, 2005 // 10:17 PM

my best part of today was sitting on the wet ground under a never ending sky, a never-ending blue sky. talking to sarah. there is something about the rain that makes me want to be physically some sort of one with the earth, nature, all that jazz. i could lie down and press my face into the grass. i used to be a lot more like this, i used to be so much more of a dreamy person, i realise now that i miss it, slightly, with a fond sense of nostalgia for the feeling it used to bring. i have changed, i do know that now. my writing has become something more straight-forward, not like my previous (more) convoluted self. of course i like the way i am, i am perhaps the only person i am truly loyal to, in that sense, i will always love me just the way i am. after a fix.

film fest did not happen. from now on, my weekends are golden, no more illusions about giving them up.

i just want to. get out of this cycle, this endless almost rigmarole. i dont like liking people, i dont i dont i really really dont. i cant shake the notion that it ruins everything, anything that makes you unable to act Normally, around another person. i cant take this awkwardness, this artificiality in me, i hear ms choo in my head and i think about how it is a necessary evil, but i cant bring myself to like it, cant bring myself to embrace it, not in myself not in myself not in myself. im sorry. i know this is just something about the way i like people, and this, this is why i dont think i will ever be ready for a relationship. i cant take it, i dont want to lose myself in you. hello i really dont, as romantic as it sounds, i cant accept that someone else is going to derail my life, which involves, to be honest, everything else in the world that is not you. is it going to? fong says she cant imagine me being together with someone for say thirty years, cant imagine me even being friends with someone for that long, it is something that i will both accept and deny, vehemently in both directions. but liking you... i dont want to do that, please i really really dont. all this being unable to sleep is maddening, the fact that you invade my mind, invade my dreams, i feel like i cant get rid of you and it just makes me want to die, you pit my heart against my head and i cant take this civil-warring, you are the root of all my troubles. i wish that you were a physical part of myself that i could rip off, attach and detach, at my own ease.

also i think you make me feel sad sad sad, in the needmopeymusic needchocolateandcomfortfood way. and i hate that, how i really do. but there have been nice people talking to me online, and new media and cds to consume while i wait you out, and so i am happy, really i am. really i am. i just need to... remember that, some times.

and i think the fact that i used to be so miserable before (or at least, more so than an alternative) contributes to how happy i have been feeling lately.