Monday, April 11, 2005 // 10:35 PM

my idea of a good day is the freedom to come home and conk out for a few solid hours. i suppose if i didnt have school or my dreariness from the weekend past, my enjoyment of this would be a heck lot diminished. but twice i woke up to really really freaking good class 95 songs on the radio, the kind of songs that i will actually stay awake to listen to (and this is a feat), before going back to sleep again. it has been the longest time since i have done this, some times i come so far as to say the experience ruins my sleep (which is colossal as far as i am concerned), but i would not regret it, would not stop short of doing it again.

i think i like 80s music, how strange is that.

today i asked myself if i am really honest with myself, and i really dont know the answer. when i say that i am theatrical, you must understand: it is not about being fake. there has to be something real, to be fake, and somehow i am starting to wonder if that is something that really, really applies to me. being honest is not the same as being real, or, at least not for me.

there is a new crazy headiness about me and i dont know where it came from. i used to be a much more sensible person, i think, i think i used to make or attempt to make a little bit more sense. i used to reel myself in more, i think in the same way i eat healthier around fong or liz. i dont know what i would call this present state of me, it is gloriously self-indulgent, it is precociously close to being self-destructive, in the long run.

but if rationality is all about utility, then i am a very rational person indeed.

so i dont know what jc is going to be like, all i know is that my attitude to it is like one of a game, let's go play-acting let's play charades. because i've given up hope of finding like-minded companions, if you're going to happen, you're going to happen without my knowledge. i hope that i will have people who will, i don't know, chain me down. people like fong like a ball on my leg to stop me from floating off into some starry beyond. because i can be such a freaky airhead, because i can be a fabulous freak of nature, because i'm enjoying not-thinking a lot more than i enjoy the alternative, because maybe i've come to believe that there is no such thing as intelligence, only the way you feel. because being two-faced takes on a whole new meaning with me, nothing about me is real and subsequently, nothing about me is fake. because i really believe that, i really do. i remember myself thinking a lot about What Is Real and i remember the stifling emotions that come with it, when i was arguing with delia and daryl after uncle peter's workshop, when marvin was talking to sharon about Something that i must have blocked out, it's the way he talks i realize, sounding so calm and so logical, who can say if you have any idea what you're talking about or not? at times like that the room is too small for what my mind can see of a situation, at times like that i would run off a building to get away from it.

i. i will pretend so hard, i will fall for my own tricks, i will become someone else. and a few months down the road you give me an honest look in the eye and things will come crashing down. they will, because they have before, because. of things and the way my mind will forget every last detail except how i felt, the last time you looked at me like that. the things i remember, how i felt when michael hit me, how i felt when i carved lei into my arm, how i felt once, sitting on the thirteen balcony with khin, getting slowly drenched. how it felt to be with julian, how it felt like to talk to you. how it felt like saying goodbye to dino, how it felt like to ride my bike in the rain to the mootparliament meeting. how it felt like this one morning a few years ago, when i woke up and burst into tears, because of how horrible it feels to wake up exhausted, and the realization that this is your whole life and that there is no end to. Things. no end to Things. because. eternity scares me more than anything else.

do you remember how i used to say, when i grow up i'll be stable? i'm not so optimistic anymore. sometimes i feel apologetic to all the people who love me or all the people who are nice to me, some times i feel like. i dont give you the credit you deserve. it's not that i don't appreciate things, it's just that. i dont feel the need to talk about them like you do. i can't, i can't blog about how today christl gave me a flower and how today i led zjs and laughed about matthias' awful timing with his guitar, i can't punctuate myself with smiley-faces, exclamation marks. i can't. i can't stop thinking, i can't stop being upset. and i can't stop hoping, really, i can't stop feeling this disappointment. but that's something absoluetly different, and nothing i want to think about. right now.

i want to stop being such a child but at the same time i dont think that this is the sort of thing that you can effectively force. it's not it's not it's not. i think reading portait of dorian gray is making me think about this. i know what it is like to wake up with the sudden realisation that you've been screwed up in the past. this is my conception of life and what the endless cycle is going to be, for me. is that screwed up, i dont know. some days i think, i dont want to be screwed up, but it seems like all the things i want to do are done by... screwed up people. does this make me a screwed up person, i dont know i dont know i dont know. dont tell me i can help it, i'm not entirely sure what i want to believe about this, any more.

kevin. what i really like is that i can Not Talk to you for the longest time, but when i come back to, it feels like nothing much has changed. please dont let that change, you're one of the most consistent things about my life.