Monday, April 18, 2005 // 12:20 AM

rant because i need to
i know there is a name for this irritation, wait i am waiting for it i know it will come. eventually. the kind that comes from a lack of comfort, something deeply settled that has been unravelling, something something some thing some sort of. discontent. i just cant shake this blackness of my mood, i just cant stop thinking get out of my head, asshole. today i am really thinking about quitting school, or at least quitting jc but i know that once i start i will never be able to stop, just because i am just a million times happier with my art than with my academics. and help help i am getting so disillusioned this is a roller coaster heading down, i can see myself in a few years time in an incredibly disillusioned. state of mind.

(stop shouting at me i am too close to snapping to take this even in banter, even in some sort of jovial foolery.)

i apologize, it is all perfunctory. i am so sick so sick so sick of thinking, yesterday during the yf discussion i just wanted to leave the room and not. not be responsible for all this. get out of my head asshole. i want to do braindead things again, i want to soccer i want to play in the rain. i want to stop it stop it stop it i am so sick of thinking so sick of saying things so sick of believing believing i dont believe in believing anymore i dont believe in taking a stand, i really dont, this is all part of my latest carpe diem mentality, my beliefs dont have to stand for a single thing at all. i am space, i am chaff. and at the same time i am starting to get the feeling that sleeping is not helping, because i have slept fourteen and thirteen hours, two days this week, things have not gotten better i am still suspended at. at some sort of half-assed parade, what am i doing here where else is there to go. where else is there to go. where am i going, i feel myself going down some slow and slippery road, i feel what it feels to be self-destructive, but not like it used to be, not with emotional highs and lows, but this time with a slow plodding of feet, a distant inevitability, a train wreck in slow motion. no of course i have always been always been mortally afraid of going out of control, always petrified, consistently in a fix, but no this time i feel a real sort of reason to be shit worried out of my skull, i have reason and a feeling in my gut that this something a little different in that it is not just a question of emotions, the fact that you are tied up with my psychological profile means some sort of black mark, some sort of permanace.

and if i were depressed i wouldnt say the word.

i have been disillusioned with academics, what is the opposite of an academic, a person who would refuse academia's credibility? what kills me about hssrp, even trying to cough up a basic question to build my proj upon, is the need to blur individuality into this single and palpitating mass, to neaten the analysis, to render academia even possible. are we too idealistic? right now i am number one disdainful number two a lil closer to being an emotional wreck, this is a very bad version of myself to be bringing into interview, hello give me two thousand bucks because i dont believe in your entire academy, it is a farce! it is a jokeshow! i realise now right now that i couldnt ace interview even if i tried, i wouldnt know the model answers to spout, one step further i wouldnt even be able to give some sort of answer less radical and less offensive, more mainstream credibility, more conservative, pragmatic logic. so i'm convinced as to two things, half that i am not meant for academia, fully that i am not going to get two thousand dollars. dont even get me started on asian politeness.

academia i think you are too mild for me. am i too idealistic.