Saturday, April 09, 2005 // 12:12 AM

really, really good budak pantai gig, we gave our contacts to be volunteers. i think the humanz people would have liked it.

i want to see ny teachers again, going back to ny today, even if it was with aliens like jteh and yongming, really gave me that hui jia le feeling. it is only looking at ny girls now that i realise how far jc has made the difference. with no bloviation, we are just. so much more slick right now.

i forgot to check my locker again. yingxiang looks so much better, it is not my imagination. i remember how we used to say we liked the jc look, or i dont remember saying it, but i remember how khin would, khin would take the notice and to khin it would matter.

i'll never feel old enough, or young enough, when i walk through nus and everyone around me is not wearing a uniform. i feel so in over my head for hssrp, looking at the reports done by a million other people, the issues they tackle, political giants, sociology. i feel the need to say something worthwhile for my project but i still dont know what it is going to be, what is my topic going to be? i dont even want to think about methodology but i cant help this trying to kill two birds with one stone, what am i going to research exactly. im tired and i dont want to think about this right now, but it weighs on my mind an opportunity not to be. screwed up all over again.

i cannot count the opportunities forgone. i realise now that if i had taken all the gepshit seriously, i would be a much stronger position right now. right now. christl scares me because she is doing tys for econs, i have no shitting idea when the next test is thankyouverymuch. i feel like everyone is just so busy achieving and here i am with my punchdrunk weekends, expounding all my energy on stuff like litwing exhibition and what we did yesterday. i dont feel alive reading my econs textbook and this feels like a mistake, like i am putting both feet into something that i am ultimately not suited for.

but certainly i feel alive doing what i have been, lately. i am a violent swatch of flesh and it is being a libertine that makes me feel like life is worth living. it makes me think of perry's disapproval, dingo saying, too bohemian for his liking. i dont want to live any other kind of life but this, there is no other way i would have it. and so i dont know, am i walking to a trap or am i lurching in a different and more glorious direction? please give me an answer to live for, please give me. something to live for.

and aaron called me a narcissist that day because i talk about myself in the third person, but i'll only agree to being a narcissist. and even then it's not something that i have thought about, sufficiently, come to any sort of conclusion. how do you spell it, anyway, narcissssisst. i am my own greatest fan and yet my own greatest detractor, the brave ally of my own gravediggers. everyone go read kundera right now.

i can see defence in your eye, i would like to tell you that i am not saying it like i am scorning your prerogative, it is not like the contemporary who feels the need to own a bit of your work. honest feedback is something i am trying to understand, when some one like nic says you should add some black here, at least now i am able to take it seriously, consider or imagine, even if i do reject the suggestion in the end. it doesnt matter, none of it matters, none but my attitude, none but the acceptance of an alternative viewpoint. i want a good attitude, or a lack of uncertainty that translates into prickliness. there is no road for improvement otherwise. dont punish me for my honesty.

i would like to be able to be more laid-back. i am too tired to think any more, good night.