Monday, April 18, 2005 // 6:46 PM

tomorrow i have to go to school and i dont know how to feel about that.

ive decided to try and be a good girl, to try and study. trying on sunday just made me want to die, but i procrastinated it all away and as a result i have absolutely nothing to show for it, except two spoons with faces on them, in black ink (and with italian names). i cannot imagine starting to study again, i really, really, really cant. it has been too long. but i realise now that if i want to do all the things i want to during june, or go to malaysia two weekends from now, i'm going to have to be at least pretty okay with my work by then. i think wang is going to kill me for even thinking of taking two weeks off during june, but these are things that i badly want to do. i dont even want to think about training, he is asking me to chuai again.

i think i'm obsessed with novelty, and this is getting in the way of my hssrp. hssrp is killing me, i only have a collection of interesting points. kevin says ultra postmodern, which i find funny, i dont know why. cheap thrills are under-rated.

i wonder what people will be saying about us, a hundred years from now. i know you just want to write me off but i am really saying things and if you're not going to listen to me on these terms, i will create my own. this is some maddening business, the basic disagreement, the wanting to take everything from that kind of viewpoint. i am out of here immediately.

interview was strange. i think i come across sounding like an opposition mp. when i rose to leave the vj principle smiled and thanked me for my frankness, and told me not to worry because "we're all okay here". i am amused, i am breathing easy until they asked me do you think minority groups are being adequately represented in parliament? i have a mental image of me doing a jimcarrey, running out of the room screaming. why am i so incoherent, i cant explain things in a linear fashion. it makes perfect sense when i map it out on a page from the top to the bottom, but in this sense, in this stencil, nothing goes right, everything goes wrong. i think i sound incredibly confused, but that is not the whole truth to things: rather, i have my own strange and incongruous logic.

but kevin says that my second answer more than made up for my i-dont-know. hurhur. i trust kevin's opinion with these things, if not his musical taste.

if i am a child, let me act like a child.