Sunday, May 01, 2005 // 9:27 PM

i am feeling exceptionally neurotic
i dont have a name for this, i dont have a name for myself. today i said the word eleanor to justin's clone of a sister, and it felt. ever strange. because no one who has ever know me fully as eleanor has ever pronounced it in a way that i could recognize as being relevant to myself. but i am still eleanor, i cant stop thinking of it i cant stop thinking of it. i clutch at things and they slip through slyly like spider web, strands of hair. i am sick of being so hopeless with everything.

i have no name for this. i am completely obsessed and it is stupid, stupid, stupid. how stupid have i felt today. i play the game of being messed up again, do you think we secretly like it, being messed up? we cling to the idea, the way marian feels the need to be in love three hundred and sixty five days a year. it is my wildcard, it is the disappearing act just as my opponent is to strike a final and fatal blow. all of a sudden i am gone, like a mad spirit exhumed, but it is saving my life, it is enabling me to carry on intact. i would like to be intact, after every experience, or no. there is too much to be said for being broken down.

i am being so absolutely pathetic about you that it is starting to turn into disgust. i mean this much: do you know how sick i am of thinking that i am over you?

i have had an uncharacteristic weekend, and i am crabby for a lack of satisfaction. i want to train or run or swim because i badly need some happy hormones.