Saturday, May 07, 2005 // 11:47 PM

i am. i am so tired. i dont know, i thought about you all the way home and the more i think about it, the sadder and sadder and sadder i feel. i think she has the power to make any one into a victim, it is two faced, it is insincere. i dont think any one should have the right to do that to another person please. but at the same time she is just articulating what a million people might think, and it makes me think about me, it makes me think about you. i cant accept that you might be sad, mundanely sad, the way i used to be, the way that some part of me will always remain. i dont know, i dont know. i wont say i care about you because that is not it. but... certainly. i could put it in more selfish terms because it would make it at least recognizable to me, familiar, but. but things are not so simple.

i would like to drink a gallon of coffee. bailey said it was more healthy when milk was my comfort food, oh no i will not admit to being a caffeine addict. it is not caffeine it is the taste of coffee, i. i will not admit to being upset so there is no point in asking me if i am okay (it is somewhat of a thing with me). sam is convincing me to buy an eight-hundred-dollar camera, oh no this is trouble. hello unqualification, i am afraid of how you might become another white elephant.

kevin says to me, hello miss intelligent discerning iconoclast. you realise, i am only convinced that i am special because i dont often meet people like me. sometimes i would like to tell daryl, i am never kidding, i am never, ever kidding, or at least, not completely. someone used to say the reason why my insulting stings so much is because i put my finger right on an undeniable truth, that i callously make people see something they dont want to see or dont want everyone else to see.

i'm sorry for conversations like that. i cant say a thing i dont mean, even if that means i dont say very much.

i am so flattered because everyone seems to think that i am so smashingly intelligent, HURHURHURHURHUR. ella's head is inflating, everybody, please do run for cover. do you remember me saying that i cannot take compliments? i am in danger of forgetting how painfully stupid i am a lot of the time.

i miss having peishan around, she is perhaps one of the most fun geppers to have around. i wont deny that there are lots of people in gep that i wouldnt really care about, mostly people who are fitting in peachykeen with the mainstream. oh yes i am elitist in that much, i acknowledge and revel in the fact that we are supposed to be different, supposed to be, being key words, here. i am probably asking for trouble and offence by even saying this, but since when has that ever stopped me? i am not suggesting that you have to like me any more than i like you.

i think i would make a very bad civil servant.