Saturday, May 07, 2005 // 1:54 AM

i could say a lot right now, i could say a whole heck lot. i have floodgates and they have been thrown open for a while today, but. but things have already been thought, i have hesitated too long and then it can not be said any more. i am happy or if nothing else i am calm, i am at peace with a pretending self. because real tears and real panic come surprise to me, but after the moment is over, it can never be fully relived. im sorry i guess for the looks on your faces, but, i dont know. maybe there is something about the rain that gets to me, there has always been something about the rain that gets to me; it is the river under whose surface i would like to lose myself.

and what am i doing going for sports meet tomorrow, this model-student-ing is so not me. i was just thinking about how free my days are now, technically, relatively, the complete lack of commitments. i know im expected to do the whole overacheiving singaporean thing, but i've had quite enough of that thank you very much. not that i ever was very much to write a scholarly testimonial about, but then you dont have to read an entire book to know that you're not going to like it.

and i was talking about dysfunctionality, but i'm just. i'm just not sure if you realise. i think i see too little of dysfunctionality these days, i forget that it is still there, or that part of me has no one to relate to.

and the notion of my ideas being interesting really baffles me, i look through my work and think where? where? where? miles wrote that on my history essay but i couldnt find a single point in my essay that wasnt pretty much obvious. i dont think its some great feat to be able to see them, but then of course the idea of a higher consciousness or even a lower consciousness pretty much throws me as well.

and being seventeen has crept up on me, silently and unnoticed not least because i have been so incredibly busy since the beginning of the year. i know arts is supposedly a less hectic course, but it has just been purely eventful and time has plodded on five months ahead without my prior knowledge or approval. where have my years gone! sixteen was my last year to be stupid, i am thinking of life skills camp and a pulsating crowd, i want to be that much unrestrained, again. i dont have to be posturing to have a good time, i dont have to be i dont know, dancing on the table or something. so i miss being sixteen, i miss the space they allow you for stupid mistakes.

i know there is supposed to be a certain time elapsed between people, before you ask them questions that you're hoping to get a less than awkward answer from (am i complicated, do you think i'm weird, do you think i'm dysfunctional?) today dingo said you're a strange one, ella and it made me want to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. people have always been calling me that but in different words, and i've grown to like it, i really have.

and you, you. i remember thinking, you are like the deadweight around my leg that i would feel bad about removing and tossing back into the sea. i dont want to go down with you my dear, i dont love you enough to want to barter my stability for your peace of mind. maybe some day i will, yes, well, maybe? i make no promises about you, i am still a selfish girl, but i think, i think. i would like to learn how to love.