Wednesday, May 18, 2005 // 11:46 AM

im happy, really, (though she does not believe me), this sorry state of stolidity is happy enough for me. because, because i can remember a past immortalised and a hundred times more lurid than it probably was in real life, because that much keeps me sane, keeps me thankful, keeps me happy with the thought that i have come, a long long way. maybe not so long, who cares what it really was, there is the bleak reality of things which matter not and then there is my mind and the world that has been churning, churning within. i grew out of things because i was determined not to lose control, and now i shall cling on to my happiness or the notion of it purely purely, because i want to. i want to.

you should know, i only half believe in relativity, or i have embraced the notion of it or its illusion, to keep myself functional, it works for me. i say things are relative because i am a feeling person, my eyes are glued shut and the only way to navigate is by a clumsy and fervant groping. a surface is only relevant in how it differs from the next.