Saturday, May 21, 2005 // 9:53 PM

today i really do hate People

its some bloody infuriating, because you would dismiss me as over-intellectualising, when i am saying something relevant, when i am saying something as simple as that. could i say, fuck your preconceived notions about the things i am saying, the preconceived notions that you have because of the kind of person i tend to be? and since you are determined that i ought stop, please then draw for me the line between thinking and thinking too much and tell me why the hell your side of the river is supposed to be better than mine, why the hell there has to be a division at all, a difference at all. no, laughing it off just feels too much like cowardice, there are few things i cant stand more than a preconceived conclusion about any given thing. there has to be a wrangling process and that is where i am, this is where i am perpetuating things, perpetuating things. dont tell me to be different, dont tell me to stop provoking things, i used to believe there was a correct/better way to be but now i dont any more, now i dont i dont i dont i dont i dont. i have been self deprecating too long and now i just want to believe truly in myself, for once.

im all at once just. furious and disillusioned with the company i am keeping. i cant agree with this system i cant. one part of me would be pacified enough with sulking and ice cream, talking to kevin even though he is across some ocean which has name i dont know.

what's so amazing about really deep thoughts, i just want to. crumble, crumple in a heap, run around screaming, water down my coffee and down it with a flourish, sit here calmly, scream and scream and scream and scream and cry at the end of it all, when the rest of the people have disappeared. disappear. i just want to hit something, i just want to cause some damage, this pretence of being normal is nothing like the truth. i wanted to say that today, i wanted to say i'm still weird, when she said that that was how i used to be, i would like you to know that i am never going to stop being weird and i am never going to stop celebrating it, i have given normalcy my shot and i have decided fuck no that's not for me. that's not for me. today i thought for five seconds that you might understand what i have to say, but i hesitated long enough for you to open your mouth, and i know now that you never will, you never will.