Saturday, May 14, 2005 // 2:32 AM

voluminous incoherence

im tired, im tired. i dont really feel like explaining myself, this is part crabbiness but at the same time at least a slight of pure content. i had a lot to say last now but too often i feel like i am talking to a wall or to people who will never understand. i feel displaced, because the only people who tell me that they remotely understand my blog are the ones i dont talk to, anymore. im tired, im not used to this idea of scrutiny, i wont subscribe to it, i wont accept it i wont- i wont take responsibility for my actions.

math test just made me want to die, but give me the weekend to get over it.

and i miss dancing, watching body lang made me think of gep and all that dancing. ive come to realise that life in humanz means a very one-sided lifestyle, and all the directions in which i want to go need to be done out of school. right now there are too many things i want to do, but i- i am doing none of them. all i consign myself to are the people who are the crackholes into new worlds where i would like to be (kwanie feeding me links, telling me about local arts; sam and her magazine; wilfred and misc guys talking to me about soccer). i played chapteh for a while with soccer mates, and i felt so, and i hate how it feels out of place, because this is honestly a scenario where i feel the absolute most comfortable. humanz is a stiff business, i think, there is a given mould or a certain few that we all come to fill, manifested in the complete agreement that people have with each other over media, lifestyle. whatever. dont tell me that i ask too much, that i am too much of an extremist when i reject the mainstream based on its prevalence; i am not yet jaded to a point where i will bring myself to ask for less.

some times i look at you and i am endlessly bored.

(/bitching eternal malcontender)

i am painfully artificial and i think it is the source of my grief, at least partly, it breaks me down once every week, particularly on fridays. i am just. so glad that the weekend is here, but this time it is not the pure utilitarian optimism that drives me it is just, the dreariness of the weekdays from which i would like to escape.

i would like retail therapy but i am not kidding when i say, i have eight bucks left to the rest of the month. i look forward to trainings because when im on the trampoline i have something that is completely absorbing and endlessly exhausting, and that is besides the endorphin kick. i like falling asleep in less than a minute, because the unconsciousness is the only time i feel like i dont have to somehow try, in the very least. i would like to qualify for complacency, i am a lazy person but it is a lazy philosophy, effort will eventually make me extremely hard(er) to get along with.

i have a complex but i dont know it's name. i need a new Everything Book, i want one as trustworthy and as voluminous as the one i have right now. maybe some day i'll let people read my book, the way i used to, though that was different, entirely different, because my books are only coincidentally anything of value. i never thought my writing in that sense meant for anything until people werent completely baffled when i read one page out loud for litwing. perry said that i am a writer, and it makes me happy, makes me sad. and i am really glad that i was chosen to help him that day, even though i did a literal absolute nothing, because i loved the ride in the beat up van (when does a middle class kid like me get to see something like this?), the karang guni xchange outlet with the vintage cameras and lights and telephones. im starting to see how the things that are the norms for us are slowly dying out: when was the last time you saw one of those orange ten cent coin payphones? or the those boxish telephone sets with the pale sqaurish buttons, with numbers set perpetually in this given font. and i feel this desperate need to cling on to these things that are fading, even though their brief occurances in our time and our lives means absolutely nothing in the Big Picture Of Things, which obliterates everything, and sorely depresses me.

looking back at the past makes me incredibly sad but it is all i ever do.

im sorry but the idea of heaven terrifies me. i have not had conversations like these for a very long time and maybe that is why i am so mindless and crabby.

and i love seeing ny gymmers, even with sean as a stowaway.