Sunday, May 15, 2005 // 11:03 PM

you know. im really glad that im more or less getting over this. let's just shut my face in on the wistfulness and the melodramatics; my head says that i am happy to get on with my life.

i need good commercial decaf. getting a thousand bucks for humans scholarship should be more of an event, i know. ma complains i only tell her things when i need money or her signature on a form.

i am going for church camp and that makes me very happy.

i paid twenty cents for a pen on the bus ride home because i really, really, really needed to write. im holding out for the holidays, it is really all i want now, all i want. even if it's going to be training insane, even if i am going to be in a perpetual state of hunger. i cannot remember the last time i have been able to self indulgently squander my time without later coming to regret it. i would like to be as free as daryl, who can watch a movie on monday and play ball with brandon on tuesday, casually distributing his time amongst things he wants to do. oh gosh im jealous, i dont think i will ever be free again as long as i live.

there are a lot of things i want to do, by the way. i badly want to go to sam again, badly want to watch movies and play another sport. i want to take up dance instead of just talking about it talking about it, i want to get my camera and play around with it. i want to play the piano i want to swim and cycle and see people in my free time. i want to read, i have not read or allowed myself to get lost in a book for the longest time. i want soccer training, i really really do, or i just want people who are as rubbish at soccer as me, to play soccer with. i want to sit in a cafe all day and write and write and write and write. i did that for half an hour that day and it was the best thing ever. i want to see the ny gymmers, do you know i cant remember the last time i went out, before last friday? im comfortable with you guys like no other. i want badly badly need to clean up my room, organize my physical self. i want to shop, i want to cut my hair i really do. i want to consume all the media that people have been lending me! there are esther's vcds, requeim for a dream, gattaca. i want to go to the esplanade library again, i also want to be able to drive. i want to be free to go for ice cream or coffee or whatever when people ask me, im sorry that i keep turning you down but i have been sorely busy and i just hope that you're not going to get jaded and just stop asking me, after a while. because i love spending time with people when there is all the world to talk about.

what's depressing is that even after saying all that i still need to go off and do my pi. im sorry kevin but things have been shitty and talking to you is one of the most self indulgent things to do, because we go on forever about absolutely nothing at all. there is a singaporean in me who screms out PRAGMATISM and feels the need to quantify a perpetual productivity, i cant wait for the day when i can just flush that all out of my system, with the knowledge that it is not going to be fatal to my Academic Career, what a retarded term. but i care about things like these and they interest me anyway, i just wish they didnt have to be a wet blanket on everything else i want to do. i could be a more organised person and then i wouldnt have this problem, but i already have a problem with keeping in control as it is.