Sunday, June 26, 2005 // 9:53 PM

being nice to myself:

1) you're more stable than you think you are. because at least you can stop things at a given point, at least. at least you want to, now.

2) you dont have to be a mess if you dont want to be. even if that's what people have been saying since whenever, even if that's what you've come to see yourself as. being clean and being normal is not impossible, you are not. you are not a a foregone conclusion, you are not a foregone conclusion.

3) you've come a long way, because you would never in a million years have told another human being about something like this, and perhaps subsequently, the things like these never get exhumed. you know what they say about admitting to problems being the first step to healing as freaking cornball as that sounds. admitting, as opposed to if i ignore it maybe it will go away although really a majority of me still thinks this is true, that with enough happy hormones the everything else can be easy negated. saying something like you've-come-a-long-way is supposed to sound somewhat hopeful, like you are not chronic, even though i know you felt like you were, not so very long ago. you're not chronic.

being myself on myself:

1) stop making excuses and finding ways to put off the things you dont want to face. im talking about the books you keep carting around and how you never open them, how you run off to play the piano and nurse a psychological hangup instead. at the end of the day the work is not going to do itself.

2) stop being a childish noisy stupid whiney attention seeking brat. of course no one will tell you, in this given situation, that you're being stupid, but you are, you are, you are. stop curling up with yourself, for any reason.

3) stop acting like you have a problem when you dont. what do you know about problems, freaking middle class brat. what are you doing, creating problems with yourself because you dont have enough to really worry about? girl you dont know how lucky you are and maybe that, that is your entire freaking problem.

somewhere in between
addiction, even addiction to addiction, is not so abnormal a thing. people stress binge, people obsess all the time, nobody's kicking their ass all over the place for it. stop, i dont know, beating yourself up. stop it because you're going to drive yourself crazy striking out for an ideal, stop it because you're creating, imagining that something simple is this huge and yawning problem. dramatising things, kitsch but not in the usual sense of things. dont hide under the word the way peole hide behind medical conditions, retard, dont you become a therapy junkie.