Friday, June 17, 2005 // 11:50 PM

church camp was very fun, and i feel. feel strange now. because i wonder how long being this straightforward, being this easy going, will last. i am not an easygoing person by nature, but things have been incredibly easy, incredibly and mundanely happy. the only thing that makes me sad is how we probably wont get talk like this til another camp or maybe even ever again, considering how the usualfunshitcamps go. im glad i went and if nothing else for what i am right now: a lot closer to my batch, which is a far stretch from what it used to be, even in church. because i dont really hang out with this particular bunch in church, it's usual fong or christl or the guys. and even then, talking for five minutes in the fellowship hall is not Friendship of any significant sort. i like. i like how i know people for a (little bit more) real now, people like sharon/jeanette/amanda (girlygirls and familiar faces and at the end of the day: people), sebbie (taciturn, genuine, extremely likable Nice Guy), terence (who i do hang around with but have never much actually talked to), brandon (previously silent frame, now slightly unorthodox interesting, overall Nice Guy, obviously the product of older siblings after a fix. still Perfect and private.). i just wish i could maintain this level of conversation for longer than just camp, why cant we just i dont know shove school and work and the million other commitments, that's. that's what i think some times, simplistically, idealistically, unrealistically, but i think it anyway, or rather. feel it anyway. anyway. its just the mundanity, normalcy of things that i liked very much so, singing oldies with brandon on the guitar, staying up til morning talking non-nonsense (because i am rarely good at talking nonsense). i like people that cant transform into a crowd, where no one gets lost, every one gets to be heard.

(and i do like people, muchly muchly)

just because sometimes i badly want to be alone, it doesnt mean that im upset all over again. i hate the word depressed dont use it on me, dont use it on me please. im an escapist (if we dont talk about it it might go away!) or i refuse to make excuses for myself, i refuse to accept my own weakness. but i wasnt upset, i just. wanted to look out on the ocean, i just wanted to crash slowly into the surf. wanted to talk to God, wanted to talk to myself. because that's one thing i regret about camp: i didnt write very much at all. every time i have half a moment alone to say things to myself, someone walks into the room and starts a good conversation. gosh im not complaining, im just saying: it's a tradeoff and i wish i could have had my cake and eaten it too, the best of both worlds. i wish i could have split myself into so many different people last night, so that one slice would have gone up to talk to amanda in the pre-sleep darkness, one slice would be cracking eggs chugging 100plus and talking with terence and brandon, curled up in the kitchen full of chairs (in which i saw a secluded heaven), and another would maybe have finished the train of thought that i started ten lines long (and ten lines is nothing at all), trying to capture the How I Feel Right Here Right Now. Right Here Right Now. i liked you a lot, in too many instances, just far too many to name. i want to keep talking to them, all of them, in this same fashion, completely i dont know. effortlessly. mundanely. i like talking to the guys because everything is just so pleasantly simple, incredibly casual. i dont want to have to work so hard, or i want to pretend to be a less complicated person. hurhur. i dont know, just... just let it go on forever. i dont want to come back to this sickening reality, this stifling shroud that is The Rest Of My Life Falling In Various Pieces. i dont know i refuse to think about it, at least for tonight, at least for a few more hours. im just going to go to sleep with camphighhappiness still on the surface of my skin.