Friday, June 10, 2005 // 11:35 PM

dawn is sweet, dawn has given me a song. the last person who gave me a song was shaoning, shaoning. i wonder what you've been up to, lately, floated off into your jc sunset along with, it seems, everyone else. i cant imagine it's okay that the friends we make in jc are less sincere than those we make in secondary school. someday we're all going to go our different ways and someday we won't be forced to social-lize anymore, which is the classroom full of people in which we are forced to participate.

i want to learn to be a nicer person. this requires a lot of things which i am not: being non-judgemental, benovelent, give-a-shit-ing. i think i threw myself off track yesterday by curling up with myself, letting my fingers linger on every self-destructive dent on my body.

school and academics, the singaporean Way Of Thinking. this is the box that i have been stuck in, this is ella feeling slowly claustrophobic, sans hysteria. i am not panicking so much as feeling unhappy, cheated of myself. i am in a box and the walls are getting all the time thicker, i. my thoughts cannot penetrate them, someday my limbs will be too weak and i will be. stuck here forever. forever, oh no.

im curious, curious and stupid. i dont think i would have it any other way. sh because i am young and i am idealistic, this is my last breath of wreckleness, of optimism, or imagination.

let us leave. everything to chance.