Friday, June 24, 2005 // 1:06 AM

girl i think you try too hard. i think, it must require a certain amount of stupidity, to bask and to wallow like you do. i am not saying that stupidity is inherently a good or bad thing, or even something i could call alien, in my own capacity. heaven knows i've had enough stupidity to last a couple lifetimes.

but you make me think: what kind of girl am i? i think i would be dissatisfied in any given scenario, i think i might never get something close to true fulfilment. there is a good Christian answer to this i know, but right now i dont feel it, right now i am. eons away from God, wrapped up in myself. i. i dont think its a coincidence, how wrong things go when i go through these dips in the cycle.

i, i believe in God. someone asked me that day why i believe in God, and why the Christian God, as opposed to any other religion of the world. (because Christianity is so orthodox and unlike me, but that's beside the point.) there are no simple answers to this, but in a nutshell perhaps. Why Do I Believe In God: because all other answers fall short, because we've (humanity) pushed all the buttons and tested all the other solutions and nothing, nothing gives me this sort of conviction. the reason i dont believe in intellect anymore: people have been thinking their minds inside out and after all these endless year, they sure as heck havent come up with an answer to everything, to questions that i cannot live without asking, without knowing the answer to. there is no way you can find out what it really is like to be a Christian other than really being a Christian, and even this is more complicated than it sounds. this is not propoganda, it is me believing in Experience: it is probably like this for every other thing in life as well. what does it feel like to be blind, deaf, dumb; you give it a shot and tell me about it, write a book about it. i dont think words or coherent lucidity hold the answer to anything, any more. Why Do I Believe In The Christian God: because when you know there is someone there, you call all the different names and you see which one gets a response. i dont know, i wont pretend to have exhausted All Possible Answers. but i've tried some freaking hard, hard enough to get me jaded, hard enough to get me deluded, i only know where i am, while the rest of the universe rages around me. mad world, and full of mad people. im just so tired of forming part of your crowd.

i suppose this contributes to my What Am I Studying For problem. i know this for sure, studying makes me exceedingly unhappy, this holiday has felt like a long long long weekend. which it is, which it has been. what did i write about the weekdays, the weekdays are for recuperation, i use them to accumulate the boredom that serves to fuel my manic exhiliration, at the friday's come-around. it is the weekdays that attempt to convince me that the simple things in life are not enough.

and today was way too late to start work. okay i know that now, this is me pre-panic, but not yet like i was the day before history essay was due. in the i-so-asked-for-this fashion. i so asked for this. ella what's wrong with you.

and his blog sometimes make me laugh for all the wrong reasons. dont pretend to be a diplomat, dont pretend to be a nicer person than you are. you cant construct a facade so well that there will be no cracks in it, that nothing real will shine through.

i want to talk to people again, but all i see in the immediate future is the dry desert of Studying. and dreary everything else.