Sunday, June 19, 2005 // 9:52 PM

happy noises
i did my first piece of work this entire holiday today. congratulations me :) frisbee is fun because there are only eight of us on the field and because we're happy enough to just spend all our time in hysterical laughter. i went to church in sharon's clothes today and fidgeted in the tiny skirt and high heels, and sebbie says to me: you look like a woman. hurhurhur. i cant remember the last time i stayed over at someone's house, stay up talking til some am. MOREHOLIDAYPLEASE. it's not so much that i'm going to busy during the term but that everyone is not going to have time for me. boo, sadness. because i am the arts student and because i dont think i was ever in love with school and because if michelle is to believed then i am the one who cares the least about failing. michelle is not to be believed.

i think i've gotten Too Happy For My Own Good, i'm still unsure about whether i believe that there's even such a thing.

i have stopped doing Weird Things but im not convinced that this will last. i like the video of radiohead's just. a million times i've wanted to lie on the floor in the middle of nowhere, look up at the sky, feel the coolness on my skin, gravel marble porcelain. everyone stop staring because i am just trying to feel something new through every one of my five senses.

i would like to be invisible for a while just because of all the different ways i could look at the world, with the pure manic fascination of a child.

but. but i have and i am sore, i am upset, just not violently, not violently yet. somebody tell me why i am studying (hypothetically studying, or hypothetical at the point that this thought came into my head), what am i studying for? bad answers include because we have common tests next week, that is not what i am asking at all. i have one great and irrevocable regret in my life, and it's about my not taking art, back in nanyang. i would or would not be headed in a totally different direction right now, but at least i'd know this one thing for sure.

i have lots of flaws, where do i even start. one is pride, two is being judgemental, i suppose the two have to go hand in hand. but one thing i'll say, i'll say that i care very much about being a nice person, and that whatever screwed up piece of shit i am right now, i am better than i used to be and i want certainly to be headed in this kind of direction. i have lots of flaws and lots of corners, i dont think i can be excused for any reason at all. i dont think they can be made okay. i will only say that i have had no problems worth mentioning because im tired of feeling sorry for myself.

i have lots of flaws, but i still think you're obnoxious.