Sunday, June 26, 2005 // 12:27 AM

hello glorious saturday evening, glorious saturday afternoon. i had hoped you would never slip away, but you did, and i am left at the end of things, smiling in your afterglow, sad at how you, you never last forever. you could never last forever.

i am in love with the sanctuary piano. i dont have to play anything in particular at all. everything, everything sounds gorgeous, every random note every simple musical sequence every broken chord.

and i, i'm in love with people. i could sit under the sky and talk forever, i. of course i dont want to leave, because i come home to Work and Blocks Pending and Parents Somewhere In Perth and Brother Who Does Not Want To Talk To Me. or anyone else, it seems. i. i wish i were close to my family, i suppose this is better than it used to be, but. but i do want to be close to my brother, i just. i dont know. mike. mike i dont think you'll read this, but some people dont judge your worth by all the things you seem to. all the things you're afraid to show, some people really dont care about that. maybe im no one to talk, because im your sister and id love you even if you were stinking swine (and i would, at the end of the day, after i've left off being angry), but. but i know other people who would, too. cos you're a pretty lovable person, underneath all the Troubled-ness and underneath all the Need To Be This Person You Have In Your Head. underneath all your anger and all your insecurity and underneath all the everything. maybe you dont think what you're going through now is normal but it is, at the end of the day it's just ordinary life and people, people are just people. i. i would hesitate to say any of this to you, face to face, do you think i would understand what you feel like, right now? what everyday feels like to you, mike maybe you've forgotten how i used to be, or maybe you never noticed any of it at all, which is understandable, really, because i know what it feels like to be completely wrapped up in yourself, in your own little universe. because it's not like anything that anyone could have said back then would have made me change my mind, about the way i was, back then. it feels like long ago but it was not, it was so recent that alot of the time i still feel that portion of myself rising to the surface, choking off the oxygen. im still messed up a little, i still partly rely on (legal) substances to be emotionally stable, i still have to try and be happy, which sometimes feels artificial but at the end of the day, has become the most natural thing in the world. i cant think of what i might say to you if i had to have this conversation, maybe i'd just say... give things a chance. give people a chance, people are just people are just people. i'd say climb off your sneeringly judgemental high horse because 1) that's a despicably arrogant way to be 2) i dont think it's making you very happy. tell me you're happy right now, tell me that this is what you wanted to be at nineteen.