Wednesday, June 08, 2005 // 10:52 PM

hello i mildy sprained my fingers landing on the trampoline at the wrong angle, that's fan-tas-tic. there's a slight pudginess that i would attribute to swelling, wang thinks ive improved Leaps And Bounds in the last week/two weeks and therefore could afford not training tomorrow, even if i am going to miss three days of training next week. and so i shall laugh off my worry to bradpittandangelinajolie.

i really am worried about my routine, by the way. i would like sean's barani thank you very much, i would like to start training height because height is always important to me, height has always been important to me. i feel very much happy high up in the air, if only for that reason i want to jump higher than i do now. muchos higher. without fearing oh no i am going to fudge this tao, oh no i am going to fly out of control after this chuai, oh no my legs are moving far too slow for my barani. oh no i am losing balance, oh no i am jumping out of the box oh no i am going to fall down, again. again.i cant tell you how frustrated i get when one more tao screws itself up.

talking about gym makes me completely inaccessible to anyone who is not a gymnast.

i dont believe in fate, perhaps a colder, clinical, less personal version of my own that i would call circumstance. incident, incidentary. incidentary should be a word dont you think.

i like the word muchly, but it is nowhere to be found in the dictionary and "therefore does not exist". says the academic sitting up in the ivory tower ignorant or derisive of how the word is just another frivolous why-not varient to another that anyone could recognise. should recognize. i believe in chaos, i do, i do muchly. i pour my contempt over your terse attempts to organize things into neat and recognizable boxes. with names, labels. clear divisions.

i am not the sort of girl to swallow any piece of information wholesale, without demanding that there is more to the picture. there is more to a picture, there is more than even your Certified Expert Opinion.

hello perhaps i am less of an elitist than i used to be, what is an elitist, for the record? i think i used to know but then i dropped that part of myself and now i cant feel it anymore. so what is it, what is it in me. maybe esther is right and the whole world is getting smarter. rather i think it is the world as you know it that has shrunk, with the people you decide to brush aside fading silently into the wallpaper, and only the worthwhile ones staying on your radar. social darwinism.

i forced xinyi to have a are you normal what is normal? conversation that she didnt want to have, hurhurhur. what does abnormalcy involve, exactly, that i may be called abnormal and xinyi normal and bobo second guessing her way in-between?

lynette. i dont think you are ever in a million years going to read this, but we were talking about you, you and normalcy. abnormalcy. i wont pretend to know you, but i wont deny my own musing.

dont say things you dont mean, ma. dont plug your ears up just because i am giving you bad news. im a wet blanket like that, but you are just imagining you have the answer to all your problems.

i like muse's blackout, i imagine sailing through the air to this, a lungful of solitude, stretched like the muscles on a diver's back, sailing through the air high above a liquid blue pool. i imagine Nameless Superhero falling out of brilliant night sky, from the top of a building in the middle of a city, onto unknowing city people and city cars in the background and too far away. too far away to be knowing. i imagine you would hit asphalt without making a sound.

i would like to know what it feels like to make music, beautiful music. because creating something like that is so completely different from say, writing, which is lucid, drawing even, which has to be more or less deliberated, for me at least. sometimes when i doodle my hands move over page on their own accord but most of the time i am paying attention to that single detail: the thickness of my pen and the texture of any given line. i would like to draw so fast that i dont think about it, because i imagine that's what it might feel like to be creating music. you're right because i was wrong: i dont know the first thing about music.

everyone respond to my surveys, PLEASE. a Grand Total of five is not a grand total at all. kevin is up for muchas encouragement, i am trying not to think about how things like these always go wrong. with me.

im just the fudging kind.