Monday, June 06, 2005 // 12:21 AM

i am back home talking to kevin and listening to my mp3s on full blast. my parents miss me but won't admit it, would rather tell me why i should spend more time in the house. i should spend more time at home, if i could have anything i would have a functional family, a classic childhood. i want a functional family. i'm sorry i know the majority of post modern society is a little messed up but dont tell me that this is the only way things can be.

i have a huge societal consciousness, it's not like i can help it, it's not like i much want to, even. it took more than choo writing this on my humanz scholarship testimonial to realise this much.

and i loved children's camp, i really did, i really do. things i did include fencing with rolled up newspaper with different and amusing people, flour-ing six year olds, having cards thrown up in the air (let's see who can catch the biggest number) at three am on an empty basketball court. part of it is just liking camps itself, the whole idea of everyone thrown together for a week, the knowledge of activity and things throbbing in the less than distant distance. people to have fun with when i feel like having fun, which isnt all too often but it comes. another part of it is my being completely in love with the kids right now, perhaps more than a little because i didnt have to follow them around twenty four hours a day like the shepherds. hello adorable, little people should not be allowed to be this cute. one night this kid under christl's charge started homesick crying at night and it made me want to die because i felt so sad for him for being six years old and stuck in some strange alien place and wanting so desperately to go home. i want to be six years old again, i started crying on the first day because i just so desperately wanted my childhood back. a real childhood please please, a classic childhood with my barbie doll roller skates and sand playgrounds and bicycle rides every evening. im sorry because it makes me really sad and close to bitter that everything got taken away, im sad because i ceased to have a childhood the day i moved out of serangoon gardens. mary jane played in my head the entire first day of children's camp and i tried to write to it, i am still feeling so cut off from everything i feel because i cannot articulate. not yet. i have not written really written for days and days and days and what i draw/wrote on the cardboard floor that we slept on does not count, it does not count at all. there is just something about being there that made writing feel unnatural, but not writing for a few days is an experience that turns my head off.

and im sorry because i keep breaking down but it doesnt mean that i am not ultimately alright. i promise i am going to be alright.

i really do believe in innocence, but perhaps i've come way too far. i am just wondering if i would give everything up for that kind of six year old innocence: if i would give up being lucid, being able to write, every last thing i am told i am able to do. ive come to far and that just makes me incredibly sad, sad for all the ways i can be said to have grown and how i am certainly not the better off for it. stop me from being sad, i am not clinically depressed. newly irritated with people who throw these things around. i am a sad and happy person, i am just a person and that is all, i am just a person who craves violent emotion every once in a while. i want to be as simple as a child and as guileless, i want to be a six year old again. all the comics i am in love with feature six year olds. i remember something perry said about how entering the state of experience is as bad a thing as being kept too long, artificially in innocence. but i want it anyway, i. i want it anyway. and the knowledge that im never going to get it makes me sad all over again.

because maybe all my past stupidity was just a derailment of Childhood. there is nothing spectacular about it and this. this is a new idea to me. one thing i can say, i am less traumatised by myself, i am less. wrapped up in myself, for the experience.

i cant articulate and it is driving me crazy crazy crazy. but then i dont think six year olds articulate very much of anything at all. last day of camp i looked down at the basketball court filling up with proud parents grandparents and the occasional kid, and i realised that the world is not made up of teenagers. im sorry but this is revelation to me.

and i am dying to media-consume. my week is filling up even before it has started, this is incredibly incredibly shitty. i remember once fearing the free time i might have, i think i have a little too much company right now. too many people i have pledged my time to.

and michael. michael im worried about you. im worried about what being so solitary is going to do to you, is going to do to your mind. im worried about how you are so wrapped up in yourself and how miserable that makes a person feel, i know it does, i have stood in your shoes, you wont believe me because you think i am just a younger sister. i am a younger sister hello i am a human being. i have doubted my own sanity, i have come very close to a point of standing up and screaming and going stark raving crazy in public. i have had angst in itself and then i have had what is real what is real what is real? i have blocked out things in my mind, i have imagined things in my mind i have had the voices in my mind. i cant even begin to describe the cesspool of my mind and how that made and makes me feel and michael. michael i am worried for you on two points: i dont want you to go through that. i really dont, hello you're my brother and i love you even though i hardly know you, i really do believe that you know. i believe my own childhood wisdom where i sat on the playground with rachel liew and i told her that you've never been nice to me but i love you anyway solely based on the fact that you're my brother. you have done absolutely nothing to deserve my concern for you but hello i love you mike. i really really want you to be happy, could you please work a little harder? could you please be happy at all costs be healthy at all costs. how the heck do i know that you're not happy now huh. i just think your present Lifestyle is the most unhealthy thing in the world, unhealthy because of what kind of person it is going to make you, what it is going to do to your mind. today i have said post modern individualism twice and i to use it again on you. because i hate the direction in which the world is going and michael i really. i dont know. i really want you to be happy, and i just think that for you, as for a former me, it requires a huge perspective change. i can easy say i grew out of things and i want you to, i want you to.