Monday, June 27, 2005 // 10:19 PM

i liked my gp essay, media topics could make me go on forever.

i think i take myself too seriously. i would like to be able to laugh at myself in the sense of, everything of myself. i know that's not possible, let me hope it anyway.

i was really planning on studying today, hurhurhur. oh well, i think. i think i really dont care anymore, since everyone seems willing to talk to me today. how often do i get that man, practically never. practically never.

i cant remember the last time i have felt so loved. im trying not to think fatalistic thoughts, i dont know what i am doing. sometimes i feel like im betraying myself by being happy, by trying even trying to be wholesome. does that. does that sound strange to you. i was trying to pinpoint some sort of start to it and there is none, because there is no start to a time when you start feeling shitty emotions, and dealing with them in your own way. the only thing i can mark out as distinct in more recent history is fong, fong saying addiction is psychological. i dont have an addiction problem because it is not a physical addiction, because i believe in willpower, but, but i dont know. maybe that stuck, it must have stuck, because im remembering it now. i. i hate to think im not in full control of myself, that willpower is limited, at least to some degree. because i am still partly chained to logic, logic must insist that willpower cannot be an absolute to things.

okay, let's get over myself now. because i really should study, if everyone would just stop talking to me. of course i dont mean that because the choice between the two is an obvious one, and econs, econs is not really my idea of a good time.